Loved U Yeserday

prologue (extended description)

Amber sat at the edge of the bed, holding on tightly to the blanket covering herself up and hopelessly staring into the distance---what currently seemed like an abyss. Deep. Dark. Hopeless. Lonely. I wondered how many more times we could do this, repeat this cycle ... just continue to stab and hurt each other like this. I hated feeling so distant from a person I cared so much for. Hated not having this figured out, hated everything, hated Amber, hated Sydney, hated Jamal!

I slowly sat myself up ... I too now hopeless and staring into the distance, a look of disdain painted across my face. Perhaps I was more upset that even after the great night we had things were still the same, after all my efforts, nothing made a difference. I took a lengthy and deep breath in ... and out ... I leaned my back against the headboard, rose my knee allowing my hand to rest on it as I stared at her naked body. A work of art, seemingly having been sculpted with such precision, such attention to detail, such care by god.

"What are we doing?" I began. Letting out a deep sigh, feeling so confused and defeated.

She slowly turned her head, tilted as she faced mine, a frown formed on her face, disforming perfection ... which bothered me as I hated seeing her upset. She shook her head hopelessly. A look of pure innocence and genuine concern on her face, she too was lost. She too understood that changes needed to be made, that this could not go on forever.

"I dumped Sydney for you. I, uh---" As I struggled to find the words, struggled to stress the sacrifices I made for her. Us. "I've done so much for you, I've cared for you at your lowest, your darkest. I loved you when no one else did, when no one else was around, when you most needed it. I comforted and kept you company whenever you were lonely."

I sighed, feeling like I'm preaching to the choir. "We have an undeniable connection, an attraction so strong we barely breathe when not in each other's presence and you know it, yet you still fail to utter a simple 'I love you'. You fail to let go of the past, uncertainty and insecurities," I looked down at my fingers, reflected on all the scars on them, thought about how I got each one, how they've shaped the man that I am. I anxiously played with them thinking of my words. "You, you can't truly express how you feel about me and we all know he is still lingering in the back of your mind," lost for words and feeling at a loss, I looked up, stared directly into those hazel brown eyes, that gave me a mystical feeling and had me constantly glaring at them. "Look, I love you but I love me more..."

"What are you saying Max? Are you ending things?" She said in a soft, somewhat scared tone. I could feel her heart beat speed up, as did mine. I could see her die as those words left her mouth. I could see fear, deep ridden sadness. Anxiety. Heartbreak. I didn't want to do it, didn't want to leave, thought Syndey would be the last time I left a girl, thought this was different...

"What's there to end, Amber?" I said bluntly, my frozen heart revealed in these five words, they oozed hurt, pain, no longer wanting to do this anymore.

"... I love you ..." I hated how much thought she put behind these words, how much emphasis there was on 'love' how complicated things were between us.

"Exactly. You ... you can't have us both, you can't, no matter how much you lie and try to convince yourself. We aren't these emotionless, inanimate objects, we have feelings too. Just make sure you pick wisely." She stared deeply into my eyes, as a tear threeatened.

"This is not some candy shop, Max, this is my life. I really like you, and Jamal, so much but this is not easy for me." She countered, not resisting the tears that began peering out.

"Who was there for you at your lowest, huh? When he left, or was I just one of your toys? Just a wide-eyed, plushy, soft, smilely teddy bear that you cried and cried and cried AND CRIED IN until you got fed up and just threw it out?!" My hands flopping, thumping against my chest, pointing in all directions. I too got emotional, I too threatened a tear.

"No. Babe, you know that's not the truth, you know it. This is my life, okay? ... It's complicated, it's hard, messy, it's confusing and truly ... all I want to do is live it. I just want to make the right decisison, that I won't regret."

"Look, Amber, If Jamal really is still such a big factor, then what are we doing, or what are we trying to do, why not just run off into the sunset with him?" I got up and began putting on my clothes.

"Because I love you too ..." she waited for a response, a reaction but received nothing but me getting dressed even quicker. "What are you doing? Babe, stop." I remained silent, with a villainous pout on my face and with my pants and a vest on, I braced for the door, with my shoes in hand. She leapt up and braced for the door ahead of me, still attempting to cover herself up and blocked the door.

"Get out of my way Amber, please..."

"What about us?" She offered.

"They say if you truly love someone, you'll let them go, it's the truest form of love..." I sighed and shook my head. Not only because of my crazy cliche remark, that I never thought I'd use but because of how much I actually meant it. She looked miserable, as she stepped aside. I gave her a final, gentle peck on the lips then opened the door.

"What do we do now? ..." We both whispered beneath our breaths, as we parted ways, perhaps for good this time...

♡☆♡☆♡☆

I made my way across campus, ingnoring all the looks, the remarks and comments, the whispers, the fingers pointed in my direction as I stormed off to my dorm.

"Dude. Hey, bro?" Curiously trailed my best friend Scott. "Max! Hey, stop," as he grabbed my arm and spun me around. "Didn't you hear me calling?"

"Scott, I'm not in the mood." I barely articulated, my words lost between my grinding teeth.

"Bro, I heard about Amber. Is it true? What happened? Is it why you look like this?"

More tears threatened as I realised we stood right below her room. I turned towards it as she glanced out through the window seemingly because of the noise. "Why don't you ask her?" I continued on my way, as he stood behind, confused.

I arrived in my room, luckily my roommate was not in there, as I crumbled to the floor and the pain and hurt voiced itself in the form of dejected sobs. I reached for my notebook, grabbed a pen, tears falling, hands shaking, I began to write ... it always calmed me, always relaxed me. I'd usually write poems about her but now I wanted to write about how I got here, remind myself of my goals, the time that changed my life, the reason for my fear of fire and rain and how I became...

Eight years ago something happened that would change my life forever ... a chain of events that now see me unable to love. Numb, yet optimistic about opening up. Eight years ago I was in high school, optimistic about my bright future, all the doors that would open, all my talents on display, all my dreams getting realised and ready to fall in love. My name is Max, 23 years of age. Follow the story of my journey; how I fell in love for the first time, made mistakes, fell into bottomless pits, picked myslef up, lost myself along the way, went on a journey to discover who I truly was, learnt how to fly once again and finally, how I got to where I currently am, told in four parts over the course of three books, enjoy...