Loved U Yeserday

Hills

Joel

I squeezed his hand so tight it felt as though I'd break his fingers, my breath held in, with my face slowly turning blue from fear of getting caught out. My eyes drew wide and I went paralyzed as my heart beat slowed down to a single beat per minute. Unable to move, wink, inhale...

I already envisioned us getting caught out as Cage drags myslef and Max to the principal, Ms. Constance' office and the verbal beating she'd give us, the lecture that just seems to go on forever, the family members getting blamed for my "incompetent" behaviour, my Aunt and Uncle having to come to school, me getting suspended, having to explain this situation, more people gossiping about me, new runours and lies that would surface and spread like covid, the new nicknames I'd probabaly get and every possible scenario that does not end well...

"Hello?!" Ominously inquired the school janitor Nicolas Simpson or "Cage" as he'd often get referred to as...

Max's finger slowly rose nd rested on his lip, motioning for me not to say anything or move at all, not that my paralyzed body would allow me...

"Stupid rats... I told Constance to fund an extermination but no, the school's too broke, but if I had to ask her to fund ink for detention slips she'd make sure she had the money---" mumbled Cage as he closed the door behind himself and disappeared to the lobby.

Woah! This is way too much excitement for one day... I need to pause!

You probably wondering how I got into this situation, trapped in a tiny, dimly lit control booth with a boy I'd hardly spoken to before today, who I used to think was a cocky, boastful prefect and weird nerd that I kind of am starting to catch feelings for. With a janitor that is hot on our tails and a principal good at sniffing out kids not doing what they're supposed to. Sure it's not like we're doing anything inappropriate but we are still bunking though...

Back to your question, well, this fine young gentleman next to me is Max---you know, the nerd I told you guys about, this is obviously the control booth that I guess he works during school functions and stuff, I never really paid any attention. It is kind of his spot, place of calm and serenity, where he goes to get away and he brought me up here I assume to cheer me up for what he did earlier today, but enough talk let me just take y'all back to how we got here in the first place...

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He embarrassed me! Sure, I couldn't care less about what other people thought about me, the hurtful things they had to say about me---behind my back, or even the fact that most of the time it felt like it was just me against the whole world but it really got under my skin when he didn't even apologise. No sorry, remorse or even a look conviction. He just stared at the floor, resisting my interrogating gaze. I mean, my body was still a little bit sore, my entire shoot was a mess and I had a developing headache but a little apology could have gone a long way. I glanced over at him again, waiting for an apology. Something. Anything? I snapped at him, clouded by frustration and anger.

Part of it wasn't even aimed at him but I really enjoyed having another outlet for my pain. Hurt. Anger. Someone to take it out on. I didn't ask to be like this, never did. I never asked to be mean, never asked to be bratty or closed off but it's just hard for me. I feel like, more so now than ever---with everything going on with Booker, I've never felt more lost or out of place.

"I only said it now cause you were yelling at me. You're just too intimidating to approach, okay?"

I never thought words could hurt like this, I've had venom tossed at me like that before but never has it hurt like it does today. It seems Booker is really taking a toll on me as the words felt like a blade to the heart, so sharp and with acid on it's point, piercing all the way through, eventually pearing out on my back, then twisted, pulled out and flung in again. And again. And again.

Who knew words could hurt like this?

Intimidating, a word I never thought would hurt like this, I seem to be hearing that quite often, at first I thought it was just a bunch of spineless boys, with big egos, who fear a girl that can actually kick their butts that found me so intimidating but the thing with Booker really has me thinking differently.

I feel as though I'm the problem, I'm at fault and I just want to move on with someone else. I just want to forget all this pain. I have been through so much hurt, people constantly come into my life, hurt me, then leave.

I've been rejected so many times---even by my own father, so obviously I'd reject anyone that dares come my way, obviously I'd reject them before they can reject me, I do it so they can't, I hurt them first, keep them all as far away from me as possible, so they can't hurt me. So they can't twist and plunge that dagger any deeper into my heart. I now realise, that's... that's why people fear me, that's why I am how I am.

I could see him feel sorry for me, which I hated, I hated being subjected to vulnerability but there was nothing I could do, he was right. I am intimidating to approach...

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My heart excessively pacing in my chest, I knew what we were doing was wrong but the adrenaline was amazing. Thrilling. Unlike anything I had felt in a very long time. It was something I could definitely do with more of in this redundant life of mine. We shuffled past the money lady but an unseen obstacle stood in our way, the cleaning lady with a tray of tea. Luckily she didn't see us but we nearly ran her over.

We entered a dark room, one I had never seen before. I questioned why he'd bring us here, I was secretly terrified of the dark but I didn't want to seem any more vulnerable than I currently was. He glanced at me, "You trust me?" I reluctantly nodded and held onto him as tightly as I could, as we ascended up a flight of stairs, then opened a door at the end of the hallway.

He turned the lights off, which seemed even more suspicious to me but seconds later when the room was a cool blue I raised my brow to indicate my approval and that I was impressed. We sat down and looked down on the ongoing drama rehearsals. No one did, "the show must continue" like the strict Mrs. Labuschcagne, having replaced Max with his understudy and continued practicing without him, like nothing ever happened, I guess that's why they're so decorated, why they're always winning. The story seemed interesting as I attempted to follow it but that was the last thing on Max's mind.

"Woohoo!"

He yelled, then quickly ducked. I followed as we hid from the darts shot by Mrs. Labuschcagne. I get intimindating but she's a completely different variant, her own scary, fiery, fierce, grim and dark breed.

"Are you insane!" I gasped, I've never felt an adrenaline rush like that before, my heart excessively pacing out of my chest. I doubt all this heart pounding I've done today is good for my health but it did distract from a lot of unpleasant things that occurred today, from a lot of dark thoughts, thoughts of suicide, sadness, depression, self harm. Loneliness.

I never noticed it because of all the anger, frustration and him embarrassing me and all but Max was actually kind of cute. A true kind, gentle, soft, considerate gentleman. With his dark brown eyes, perfect jawline. Wait! What am I doing? This is Booker's friend. This is the quiet academic. The hyper focused nerd from biology class. This is the prefect constantly nagging children to fix their ties, or their blazers, bossing them around. This is the guy who embarrased me, so why am I falling?... nevermind his assuring embrace, his cute smile or his comfort, this was so not part of the plan.

Well, now that you're all caught up and I've gotten a breather, let's hop right back into things...

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Chapter playlist:

● Girls need love by Summer Walker

● Body by Summer Walker

● Come Thru by Summer Walker

Luthando Mp.