Loved U Yeserday

July 18th

Maxwell Johnson

I wish I could say I had a warm feeling or butterflies fluttering in my gut. Wish I could say I felt hopeful, or that hope resided anywhere near me. Wish I could say I wasn't drowning in a pool of self doubt. Hate. Anguish. Anger, that I might never make it out of ... wish I could say the redundancy and routine of my everyday life wasn't slowly and methodically driving me insane, reminding me of the pain, like 6 inch nails being drilled into my skull EVERY SINGLE DAY...

I wish I could say I wasn't constantly thinking about her... how could she? How could I? ... I've been spiralling out of control, seemingly falling for anyone who'd shoot a toothy glance my way, that lasted longer than two seconds. Anyone bold enough to maintain eye contact with me for longer than two seconds. I really wish I could say I finally constructed a gadget to turn off my feelings, turn off my emotions. My heart. I just wish I could say that I woke up with a smile on my face or that I had the best sleep and not another nightmare, in which I die alone, unwanted. Unloved. If only I could say today felt different from any other, if only things had panned out differently, perhaps having to come to school during the holidays---for drama club rehearsals would not have been such torture. Seeing her at school ... oh, how quickly she moved on, you'd swear we never even happened. Huh, funny. Just one of the reasons why I was not ready to get out of bed again.

Especially not for the first day back at school!

Only in my most imaginative state could I have woken up to the soothing and tranquil sounds of birds, softly chirping a harmonious and calming symphony outside my window, or the sounds of a distant river or lake luring you into it's clear waters. The sound of laughter. Happiness---things that seemed so distant, lost and somewhat unattainable no matter how much or how far I reach. Instead I woke up to Sza's depressing Nobody gets me song (don't get me wrong, it's a flipping awesome song to listen to when you are as depressed as I was) triggering a flashback, as clips of Taelyn and I sitting together, holding hands and eating pizza, our first date, my first kiss. I missed her embrace, I felt as though I let her down, felt as though I was somehow at fault for her cheating on me, perhaps I didn't do enough.

Yep, that's how low I was but I was on my journey to recovery and I was definitely going to get over her! I think...

5 o'clock. Morning. Yawn. The alarm I set to wake me up---on my phone, annoyingly vibrated beneath my pillow. I attempted to snooze it and sleep a couple more minutes but there was an odd sensation in my body. Strange. Unfamiliar. I wasn't tired, in fact I felt somewhat optimistic, strangely ecstatic, exited even about the day. An grin had oddly made it's way across my face as something about this fresh start and new chapter in my life exited me but I told myself to remain cautious still as anything could happen.

I shuffled towards the edge of my bed, every motion, every bit of movement, tardy, slow and mechanical, as I let out a huge yawn, stretching my stiff bones. The bed squeaked and made all kinds of strange noises as I got off. Mom knocked at the door.

"Wakey, wakey, sweetheart! Time for school!" She poked her head in, she looked strange, comical even, bringing a forced tug at my lips when she did. My mother was always like that, trying to make jokes, make us laugh in tough situations, it was very reassuring. "Be sure to wake your sister too, okay?" I remembered that the world wasn't this dark, gritty, eerie entity, trying desperately at every turn to consume me. Well, it was but people like my Mom and Tessa, my older sister made it bearable. People like Scott, my best friend. Things like rugby and my dog Ginger made things better.

I approached Tessa---her body turned to the wall, headphones still plugged into her ears from last nights annoying and loud jam session. This was the worst time possible to interact with her. She was like a predator, of the panthera genus. Her tail wagging elusively, daring it's prey to step on it, just so it can pounce and shred its prey into smithereens. Her hair messy, smelling strange and in awkward pajamas. She was a deadly, blood thirsty predator and I was merely helpless prey, attempting to salvage a bone, or just come out of this altercation still intact and alive.