Loved U Yeserday

Joel

Joel August

02:00 am---I'm up---staring at the ceiling. I switched my phone on, checked to see that I had woken up 4 hours earlier than I actually had to. A dark figure at the edge of my room, right by the door was looking at me. An ominous stare as it's eyes pierced through my blanket as I attempted to hide beneath it. I refused to acknowledge it's presence, refused to get deprived of my sleep again, refused to believe that I may have gone insane, no matter how many times my auntie Grace takes me to get checked out---like I'm some sick, sadistic psycho and sociopath. All I wanted was to be alone with my emotions, alone with my thoughts ... just alone, so what if I wanted that 24/7? I'm a teenage girl for heaven's sake, I just wish she understood me. The only people who ever truly got me are all gone and I lay here refusing to accept the inevitable fate that I'll probably never live a normal life, again...

I went onto my phone, in hopes of escaping the figure which had made these unpleasant and terrifying visits a habit, and distracted myself till it hopefully disappeared as I played a few games then eventually ended up watching the remaining episodes I had of the first season of my latest obsession, Euphoria---gosh, what a good actor Zendaya is. I thought, I so get this character. She is basically me but in the next 2 years, give or take a few more people walking out of my life. I continued watching Euphoria, until I passed out. For a few hours I got away from it all, forgot all about the horrors of the night, my deep depression, out of control anxiety, the pain killers I think I'm increasingly becoming addicted too, all my fears and went to a realm of serenity and calm. A place where no one could hurt me anymore. Where no one could leave...

I had a dream about my mother... we were together---on the beach, she held me tight and I was not keen on letting go again, not anytime soon. The sun and weather reminiscent of a warm summer evening in wonderland, birds chirping and flying above us. The current calm and tranquil, the waves hitting the bed in just the right ways and the perfect amount of privacy. With our fingers interlocked, grins spanning our entire faces and our toes dancing in the sand I could not see this day getting any more exciting. Well, that is until we actually decied to go for a bit of a splash and swam in the sea, well, I nearly drowned which I thought would be quite difficult to do given we were in waters barely even a foot deep but my streak of surprising myself continues.

We discovered all kinds of sea creatures and even built a sand castle together. We sat on the beach, under an enormous umbrella and had a picnic of sorts. I enjoyed seeing the smile on her face, enjoyed when she played with my hair, my cheeks and made them turn red from my blushing, when she hugged me. Something I wish we had done a lot of when she was still alive, I would have definetly appreciated the times we spent together more, if only I knew...

The sky seemingly began erupting in loud thuds, over and over. They oddly called out my name and sounded an awful lot like my uncle ... Trevor?

"Joel, if you aren't out that door in the next 5 minutes I swear you'll get it young girl!" Aggressively knocked my uncle at the door, warning to break it down if I didn't wake up in the next few minutes.

It was time to go to school, the first day of the third semester. I felt exhausted, drained emotionally. "I'm up!" I replied, barely awake. I went onto instagram and the first thing I saw was a picture of him and some girl.

Booker Wright, my ex. He was
the first guy I dated having left the all girls boarding school Howard shipped me off to, after Mom left. I thought I was just experimenting, untill it was too late. I had caught feelings for him and developed emotions and a connection I hadn't with any other girl, I ever dated. It sucked that I had to see him again at school. My eyes began tearing up, so I reached for some painkillers, then gulped as much as I possibly could in one go.

I wished to do away with all the pain, heartbreak, depression, anxiety, addictions, slicing at my wrists and constantly isolating myslef, pressures of being a teen and feeling all alone in this world---well, I was...

A message just came in, Howard texted me.

>Howard: Hey sweetheart, I know it's very tough being a teenager, not having your mom around, and me constantly being backed up here at work but enjoy school. 05:34 a.m.

I guess he makes an effort, you know. He tries to make me feel whole, he tries to sugarcoat the fact that he left me. He tries to make me feel loved, he tries to fill the void Mom left---with money but he fails to understand that if he wants to make me feel loved like Mom did, he needs to be here with me, he needs to be present. Instead of just sending me his bullshit money, which I don't and won't ever need from him! All I needed when Mom died was love and attention, all I needed was a hug, not for him to disapear.

I kicked my blanket off me, then reluctantly rolled out of bed. I made my way to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, took a shower, got dressed, then put up a fake smile for the photo Grace forced myself and my annoying cousin Sady, to take. Something I had become quite good at, hiding my emotions, not even talking about the, I mean, nobody cares...

She always seemed so happy, happy to see me, always wanted to be where I was, she adored it whenever I was around, which was always annoying and pissed me off.

I don't get how she can be that happy, it's not like the life we live here is glamorous, it's not like she's not getting yelled at every other second. It's not like I reciprocate her love for me. It's not like I don't hate her.

Perhaps I envied the fact that she still had her parents, perhaps I can't help but think of my Mom and Howard whenever we go out and she skips in my uncle and auntie's hands.

My transport picked me up just in time, before Grace wanted us to take another picture. As I hurried in, gesturing towards my watch and how I needed hurry. I made my way to the back, where I sat alone---far away from anyone else and hissed at anyone who dared want to sit next to me. We arrived at school, I was not looking foward to seeing anyone, especially Booker. I was not looking foward to getting my grades, being in class, receiving school work, or any school related nonesense. I just wanted to show face and get the heck out of there.

I hopped out, felt anxiously optimistic, more optimistic than anything especially how today felt different, it had an atmosphere, an aroma I wasn't quite used to, excitement as though luck had finally turned in my direction.

I managed to get through all my classes, managed a pretend smile throughout the day, isolated myself when we interchanged, until finally came the final bell of the day, signaling the end of the school day. I had signed up for the pageant club at school and today was our first session. I didn't enjoy having to make conversation with everyone there, didn't enjoy posing for pictures but I had finally found a good extracurricular for me.

I've always done pageants, throughout my school life, ever since I was a just little girl---playing dress up with my mom then performing for both my parents. I have been pretty successful in primary but I would not have done it this year, had it not been for my family forcing me. They think I'm really good but my true passion lies elsewhere and that is on the rugby field of play. Sucks mom never got to see me play, she would've been so proud of the woman I became...

I have a growing passion for rugby---I don't know what it is but there's just something about tackling other girls that really gets me going. Something about being sore the next day, or just the brutal aggression around the sport.

"Next. Next, Joel. Joel you're next."

I got caught up in my imagination and the noise those drama losers were making distracted me, so I didn't hear the photographer call my name, so I could take another picture.

I stepped foward before something heavy, hard, kind of fleshy? Plummeted from the skies and fell on me---sending me plummeting to the ground as well.

I looked up to see that it was actually Max, the hot headed, annoying prefect and nerd from my biology class.

The teachers broke out into an argument about who should leave the hall space and we were urgently sent to the nurse's office where we sat by ourselves for a while...

♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆
Chapter playlist:

● Lonely by Justin Bieber

● When the party's over by Billie Eillish

LuthandoMp.