Hypegirl 101

♡March 12, 2024♡

HUGE DAY. I'll be completely honest and say that it feels like my whole life has been leading up to this moment from today.

For background, we have to bring things all the way back to kindergarten. This year was the first time I faked a crush for the sake of appealing to what I thought other people wanted from me. The first time was because my mom thought me and a guy I was friends with, I'll call him Rangoon, looked cute together. She'd always tease me about liking him and so I just decided to go along with it. I acted how I thought someone with a crush should act around him. If I'm remembering correctly, I might've also kissed his ear because I  thought that's what I was "supposed to do." Disgusting but I was 6.

That boy was the beginning of around 6 years of self-discovery. For my entire elementary years, I faked my crushes. I had this mindset of thinking I could pick my crushes. So I'd "pick" a guy, internalize the idea of liking him, and gaslight myself into thinking it was a real crush. I also gaslit myself into thinking my crush on Rangoon was real for years.

Fast forward to 7th grade. I've come to terms with my asexuality/aromanticism and left years-worth of baggage behind me. Then I find out that Rangoon is on my team and has all five core classes with me. This wasn't a big deal to me at the time, since I'd already come to terms with my sexuality. We didn't talk much that year.

Fast forward again to this year and we still have all 5 core classes together. However this time, we actually start talking and become friends. He gets absorbed into my main group of friends and he's one of us now. We talk probably even more than we did when we were 6 and I was faking a crush on him.

Today. Today was seemingly normal to start out. I went to the studio to run the announcements, that Rangoon is also in now. The show went fine and me, K, and Rangoon all walked to our hall for our 1st period. Since it's a pretty long walk, we sparked up a conversation. K brought up the sexuality conversation from yesterday and, specifically, P's bisexuality. K and I referenced the orientation marathons we went on and listed all the things we'd been in order. Rangoon was listening but didn't chime in at first, since he isn't in choir and wasn't involved in the conversation.

Now, here's the thing. Before today, I was under the impression that Rangoon was straight, even though I got somewhat of a gaydar from him. This gaydar started early last year when I thought I saw a bisexual flag in a presentation of his. That turned out to not be the case though. It wasn't based on intuition as much, instead prior knowledge, so I brushed it off.

Well, he did eventually chime in. He was a little confused by the fact that K and I had cycled through so many different labels.

He then said something I've been thinking about all day...

He said,

"I just went from straight to aroace."

I JUST WENT FROM STRAIGHT TO AROACE!?!?!?!

THAT'S RIGHT, THE ONE THAT STARTED IT ALL, THE FIRST GUY I PRETENDED TO LIKE, THE ONE WHO BEGAN YEARS WORTH OF ME PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE I WASN'T AND THINKING IT WAS ALL REAL, ALSO TURNED OUT TO BE AROACE.

Words can't describe how huge this is to me. This full-circle moment is epic. I don't know if I played as big a role in his journey to discovering his sexuality as he did with mine. Regardless, once again, this feels like my entire life has been leading up to this. Plot-twist of a lifetime.