Thoughts when the 4th wall breaks

3

Thoughts

I wanted to kill you. I wanted to end it all. My dreams were way better than my reality. I don't want to wake up. It seemed like too much to keep going on this world. It seemed like too much to keep going with all this uncertainty and confusion. Maybe I would've been wasting away.

A lot of things didn't matter anymore. The world seemed to have to promised and there was a lot o uncertainty. I was empty and just droning about. I don't know why but it was just the reality of things. I felt nothing. It was like the first few minutes after waking up from a nap. Imagine that and stretch it out across long periods a throughout different times of the day. Like I was just floating about with no conviction, with no reason.

It was as if I was losing my mind. Did I even have a reason before? Maybe moments just came about and I lived through them, existing throughout the moments and I had no problem with that and I didn't have a problem with that. Maybe I did have a purpose and lived it long ago. It could be that there never was one. My mind is conflicted between rights and rights, rights and wrongs and what I think is said to be wrong. Conflicted between truths and lies, as well as the lies we tell ourselves. To the point where at some point I'm not even sure which is which anymore.

The suns shining. After a gloomy day with clouds blocking everything out and a cold wind the sun finally comes out in the late afternoon. Blasting it's way through the window lighting up the lace of the curtains. The window slightly opened with the wind blowing at the curtain a little bit. It leaves me to reminisce about the times that have now passed. How if I could be granted an opportunity to go back, I would and this time would do a lot differently or even just to be there again. Where I could feel once more some moments I didn't appreciate at the time.

Like how we would text and the stupid conversations we'd have about the people that we liked. I still think about how it would have ended up with that one person...
But I say that just wishing that in general for things to have ended up different.

Even me writing this. It's not because journaling helps me or whatever. You will still wake up as you the next day with some problems still there staring at you. Forcing you to make the cheat pieces move but you can't even play chess. I guess it's cause I want it to seem normal. I want to know if people feel the same way. I'm sad at times, I don't know why, I'm angry at times and I don't know why, I'm confused, a lot of things seems too complex, I'm searching but I don't know what for. What I can understand is the twisting in my gut, the emptiness. Maybe there's someone who also feels that even at Times where they don't understand why.