The Diary of a Fijian Kid

02

WARNING: The following text has references to symptoms of mental health such as loneliness and insomnia. Here are a few video suggestions for dealing with loneliness and insomnia:

Loneliness: https://youtu.be/Fv-T5CKHCXo?si=xayFn1VN_5-O4CLl

Insomnia: https://youtu.be/cHKs2aVxOmQ?si=rH9B-nx46Syk4JaF

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I woke up this morning feeling a little breathless. I took 2 tablets of 500 mg of Ventolin. The solid version of salbutamol is known to help those dealing with asthma. You can get asthma out of pure coincidence or through family genetics. I got it through family genetics. I have been dealing with it throughout my entire childhood. The only thing that seemed to slow it down was swimming. I was nowhere near Olympian perfection, but I used it as a form of breathing therapy. There was something about how to manage your breathing that stabilized my lungs. 

Being a teenager, it's inevitable that one is likely to get into a relationship. I've only had 2 official boyfriends (both are exes), one situational partner, and one hookup. It's whatever, really. I just want to get into one of my experiences really quick...

This one ex; let's call him Leo because that's his star sign. I sporadically fell for him. We started off as always, seeing each other on the bus on our way to and from school. It was a friendship sparked because of our chemistry. So, we were friends for the longest time. Over the years, we got to know each other's friends and family. We ended up dating, it only lasted 8 months.

Mind you, we got together around the middle of May and broke up on Boxing Day by the end of the year.  The way I felt for Leo is unmeasured. My question now is: how can a love like that even exist? I find it so pure, but quite overwhelming. I am just pleasantly stunned at the way we felt about each other. This kind of interaction was making me question the meaning of what you say or do towards God and others. 

I really love how Leo has pure intentions. God, that alone made me love him with the kind of feeling I couldn't even fathom. Every time I reminisce about what Leo and I went through, I remember a new, distinct memory about each moment.  That in itself is making me love him a lot more with the same reciprocated effort. 

These past few weeks, the thoughts of Leo were about how we both met eye-to-eye with a lot of things. My back then teenage, infatuated mind could not believe how much alike we are to each other. I just want to say that I am so grateful for how we have similar beliefs.

Leo made me want to work hard, love more, and do good. Even I could not believe that one person I have no family relations with or childhood connections with can mean so much to me. It was like I wanted to do my utmost for God, Leo, and myself. 

I found it so weird how Leo was always on my mind around the time we had just broken up. The last time we talked was when I wished him a happy birthday. Somehow, I seemed to relate every thought I've had to him. Like, even when I'm studying, thinking of him helps me remember things. 

In terms of my mind, I get a lot more hyperactive, and I'm not even in school, you know, since it's lockdown. There was this one thought, though, that kind of made me assume things. So, like, there was this one time that Leo came to my house out of the blue. I understand that he would know the colour of the house, but the fact that he even knew the street it was on was what stood out to me. 

I got out my student diary that had the calendar to work out the dates of when we would run into each other. There was this one time we ran into each other in the supermarket. Long story short, he might have seen me walking into the street I live on. I was stunned at how much detail he could notice. When I told my close friends, they were just as stunned. I was thinking to myself, Why the fuck would I even be thinking about the past so much? It's like the older I get, the more things there are to reflect on. I want to be able to control my mind's activity. 

I can't wait to have my phone fully charged to do the *video reflections* so that I don't have any unnecessary stress. In terms of my sleeping schedule, it's getting there. I can get my body to calm down, but my head still gets warm when it's processing things. It tends to do this with my memories all at once. I get annoyed because at times when I want to sleep, there are other things going on in my mind. I tend to talk about myself a lot. especially in this diary. I intend to keep it that way. 

"One diary entry a day keeps your mind at bay."

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*The video reflections that was mentioned was alluding to the YouTube video of prayers by John Eckhardt. Here is the link: https://youtu.be/ZTo3_IZo4lc?si=f_pyfu-VBIdBAZN2