The Sin of Falling (ONC 2024) (BxB)

Eight (Fedya)

My leg bounces up and down, nervously when I ask Grant if he'd like to essentially go on a date with me.

     I know, I know. I might be moving too fast with him—-after all, I only met him earlier today.

      I look over to the wall and watch as the clock shifts to midnight.

       Correction; I met him yesterday.

      I set my phone aside when I don't immediately get a response.

       He must hate you, my mind murmurs. You jumped the gun and moved too fast, idiot.

      I place a hand on the thigh of my jeans, tracing the hem on the outside of it as my leg continues to bounce.

     “Calm down,” I whisper to myself—-that does absolutely nothing for my nerves.

      I exhale deeply and look up to the ceiling. “Just calm down, Fedya. He's probably not mad that you immediately asked him on a date. Maybe he's just stunned and figuring out what to say.” I inhale, my voice quieting. “You're okay.”

      I hear a ding from my bed and immediately look down at my phone and pick it up from where it's resting on my pillow.

      I scramble to unlock it as fast as possible (which unfortunately leads to me mistyping my pin a few times.)

    I can feel my heart stop briefly and my breath catches in my throat when I see Grant's response to my question I asked just mere moments ago.

      ‘Absolutely'.

      It's only one word—-but still, that one word response is enough to make my heart race.

        Oh, boy…

        I start to hear my heartbeat roaring in my ears.

        I've got it bad for him, don't I?, I think as I try to take a few deep breaths to properly steady myself. You're in love. You're in love. Fuck! You're in love! This is not gonna end well!

      I close my eyes for a little bit, focusing on bringing my heart rate down—-this is supported by more deep breaths.

      One… two… three… four. Inhale. One… two… three… four. Exhale, my mind guides me.

    I repeat that mental mantra a few times until I can feel my heart rate return to a normal rhythm.

      Finally, I open my eyes once more and stare down at the phone screen.

      There you go, my mind whispers.

      Calmly, I respond to Grant’s message. ‘Alright. Cool. I'll see you then’.

      Then, I lock my phone again, setting it aside.

      I slump forward, resting my elbows on my thighs as I let my hands cover my eyes—-I exhale, heavily. Oh god… What have I done?, I think, feeling myself on the verge of panicking once more.

       Everyone I try to pursue romantically dies.

       I asked Grant on a date.

       I might as well have condemned him to death.

      “Dammit…” I mumble to myself. “How could I be so fucking stupid?” I exhale again. “How could I have let that slip my mind?”

     For the briefest moment, I was so caught up in my emotions and the euphoria of having a crush, that I temporarily lived in a world where I wasn't cursed—-where I didn't have to fear that everything that I cared about could be ripped away from me at a moment’s notice—-that I could actually love.