The Sin of Falling (ONC 2024) (BxB)

Three (Fedya)

Still, despite what I've done with closed eyes and deep breaths, I can feel the sounds of people chatting loudly in the concert hall putting an immense strain on my mind.

     Calm down, my mind tells me as I head through the darkened hallways, my hands shoved deep within my jacket pockets. It's just one concert. What's so bad about that?

     When I'm too busy being quiet to respond to my thoughts, my mind echoes, besides… You like music anyway. What's the big deal with this? You go up on stage… You don't even need to sing. You just tune out the world around you… Except for the other band members, of course. …mind focused on the drum kit before you and only the drum kit. Not so hard, right?

    I scoff at my mind. “You make it sound like it's the easiest thing ever. This is being on the verge of a sensory overload we're talking about.” I exhale. “...it's not that easy.”

     Sure it is!, my mind chirps to me. You've fought through states like this all the time. You've done it at previous concerts, so why can't you do it now?

     “True,” I mumble. “...It could definitely always be worse.” I don't even stop to think what I might look like to other people around me.

     Yep. You'll get through this and continue on with your shitty, miserable life, my brain replies, making me cringe at that.

     Okay, maybe it is true my life is miserable—-it could definitely be a whole hell of a lot better; I'll agree with that statement.

      Yeah, as I vented about before, I'm severely lacking in the love-life department… But, it's not all bad.

     My affairs only start to go sour when there's feelings on both ends—-full attachments to one another.

     The moment we confess to each other our true feelings, that's when things go downhill.

     When one night stands turn into hand holding and kissing, that's when someone dies.

     So, despite my bad luck when it comes to dating, there was a different outcome to one of my relationships—-a child.

     When put in a situation like that, most trans-men would deal with the issue accordingly and move on with their lives, pretending that never happened—-never to speak of that ever again; but, when you're me, you don't get that kind of luxury.

      My species is already endangered—-the siren death toll rises by the hundreds each day.

     To be honest, I'm not sure how many of us there really are left… And that thought? It fucking terrifies me.

    So—-regardless of the dysphoria created by the situation—-I just let things take their course.

     Now, I've got an eight-year-old daughter. Her name is Stasya.

     Stasya's a sweet kid—-pretty shy too.

     I tried to hide the whole ‘paranormal world’ from her, but she was just too smart—-she somehow managed to figure it out on her own.

      I can still remember the day she brought it up to me.

─┉─¡! • !¡─┉─

     “Hey, papa?” Stasya's voice echoed outward as she made her way towards me. When she stopped and stared up at me, she gently swayed side-to-side as if she didn't have a single care in the world at all. “Papa?” She repeated.

     “Hm?” I asked, looking down at her, curious to see what she had to say.

      Despite my response, Stasya stayed quiet for a moment as if she was having a hard time figuring out how to properly put her thoughts into words.

     My expression softened and my gaze became lighter. “Stasya…” I began. “...What's on that little mind of yours, hm?” I paused before kneeling down so I was at her level. I reached forward, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Come on, Stasya… You can tell me anything.”

     “But can I ask you anything?” She then asked, finally responding.

      The response did catch me off-guard slightly, but nonetheless, my expression remained soft. “Yeah… Of course, Stasya. You can ask me anything.”

     She eyed me. “Promise you won't laugh?”

     “I promise,” I said, solemnly with a nod.

      Stasya inhaled, held it, and then finally exhaled. “Papa? Are we… vampires?”

      I had to suppress a laugh when she asked that—-I forced it down. When I finally was able to contain myself and steady my breathing, I raised an eyebrow. “Vampires?”

     Stasya nodded, confirming what she had said. “Yeah. Vampires?”

      “Why do you think that? What led you to that conclusion?” I asked my daughter, softly.

     Stasya's quiet for a little bit before responding. “Well, papa… You're pale… And you don't get older.”

     “Good and bad genes, Stasya,” I said, jokingly. “...that's all.”

     “But, you've got fangs, papa!” Stasya exclaimed, reaching her hands out to my shoulder and shaking it a little. “You're only really up at night!” She paused before adding, “I’ve got night vision!”

    Oh, boy… Here we go, I thought to myself before exhaling. “Well… That's all true, yes… But…” I paused before continuing, “...We're not vampires.”

     I saw Stasya's shoulders slump before she questioned, “Then what are we?”

     I remained silent for a moment before deciding to confess to her. “Sirens.”

─┉─¡! • !¡─┉─

     Soon after I explained what were to her, Stasya could not stop asking me questions about sirens, their practices, culture, and history—-she still asks about those things and stories to this day; and each and every time that Stasya asks one of those questions, it makes me feel just a little bit more at peace inside.

    I've still got a long way to go being full-on ‘at peace with the world’, but Stasya's making it a lot easier and speeding the process up.

     Hell, I'd almost consider her to be my whole world—-I mean, what else do I really have besides her and my band? Absolutely nothing.

     I'd probably kill if anything happened to her.

     I know that even if it's not quite achievable for me to get that ‘happily ever after' I've wanted, I still was rewarded with her.

      Maybe the universe doesn't fully hate me, I think to myself.

     I smile faintly to myself as I think about Stasya before heading onto the stage, sitting down at the drum kit, and picking up my drumsticks.