Her : Your Darkest Desire

torched

He pushed his way into his home and fell onto the couch sloppily. He laid there in his own thoughts, just looking out the window. Trying to piece together his life. His eyes glanced over to the clock, and his body shot right back up. From the time that he called into work, until now, it has only been an hour. Shock comes over his whole body, and he is weighed back down into the couch.

He falls victim to his overactive mind spiraling. 'I felt like I was in her presence for much longer. I was definitely in the woods for longer than that, too! I don't get it.' His foot tapped as he thought about it all... until it stopped. 'Should I even care about this? What about my girlfriend? What do I do about that?'

He trails up the stairs to go searching for his phone in the bedroom. That's the last place he had it. As he opened the bedroom door, he saw it. The room was ransacked. Everything that was hers was gone. He lost his breath and had to pin himself up on either side of his body in the doorway. This is not what he was expecting to see.

His eyes glanced to her side of the bed. The drawers were still open and half empty. Left was a mixture of items that the two of them bought together in their years long relationship. He walked along the wall as support over to the dresser where there was a note.

Scribbled in her erratic handwriting, it said:

"You will never give me what I want. Never give me what I deserve. I deserve so much better than you, and you know that. I hope all of our old memories in this house make you realize just what you lost. Im the best thing that ever happened to you. And I hope you rot! Good luck finding someone else! Definitely wont with your limp ass dick. Fuck you."

He supported his weight on both hands on the dresser looking down at the note. His chest was rising and falling quickly, but he reminded himself to slow down and try to relax. He sat back onto bed behind him and just looked around. The room in shambles. He had a harrowing reality that he knew he had to face.

He turned to look at himself in the body length mirror to his left. He felt like he was watching someone else live this awful reality. It couldn't be him. He had been with his girlfriend for years. What was he to do now?

He focused on the man in the mirror. Himself. He looked more drained than before. He looked closer. Paying attention to the details in the mans face. In his eyes. He could actually see himself in the mirror. See himself in a way he has been denying himself for so long. What had he been missing this whole time? Self fulfillment.

As he looked into his own eyes, he could see it clearly now. He had stayed with her because he knew nothing different for so long. He became so comfortable in the discomfort. So content in the pain. Now that he knew she was finally gone... he could almost start to accept that that's what he has truly wanted and needed for so long.

He looked down at his hands and just inspected them. As he picked at his fingernails, he thought about all the times he dreaded coming home. All the times she'd cuss him out for supporting their lifestlye with multiple jobs. For all the times he did his best, and she was so ungrateful. All of this was meant to happen. It is just so weird that it happened like this.

After sitting with himself for 15 minutes, just acclimating to this change, he got up and started piecing the room back into working order. Tackling the chore of boxing up her stuff wasn't the day's task. But he couldn't stay like this. Dresser drawers thrown around and clothes hangers in the floor, it had to be picked up.

As he finished up, he realized why he came up here. His phone. He went to his side of the bed and picked up his phone. Luckily, it doesn't appear that she did anything to it. When it was unlocked, "48 missed calls." "76 unread messages." It appears that she had been blowing up his phone since he left. He didn't even care to look. "Delete all." And "Block."

A weight felt as if it had been lifted off his shoulders... but a new one was placed. What now? Even though he didn't have a bright future ahead of him with her in his life... he had a rough idea of what to do. Now he was back at square one in a way. No woman. An empty house. That peace he had been craving stole a piece within him.

He made his way back downstairs to force himself to eat. As he passed each photo of him and his girlfriend... well, ex-girlfriend, he turned them over or took them down completely. Starting completely fresh, he knew he could let her back in. As much as he may want to. He knew it would be so easy to just let her back in and let her do the same things she had been doing.

He warmed up some leftovers from a couple night's previous. Some pasta he had made for the two of them. As he sat it warmed up in front of him, he got pissed off. He slammed his fists on the table. He can't even eat without thinking of her. She is all in this house. She's gone, but he still isn't free. Her haunting words and actions are everywhere in here.

He throws the bowl into the sink, and it shatters. In a broken moment, he is thrown into a rage. He begins walking throughout the house, throwing all of her shit into the middle of the rooms. He then grabs trash bags and shoves them full of her things. Before he realizes he's walking them out to his car; stuffing his front and back seat and even trunk full of her things.

His eyes are glazed over as he drives to her friends house. He knows this is who she was talking about. He doesn't even pull in the driveway. He just stops on the curb and places all of her stuff where the trash belongs. He empties out his car and then lays on the horn to get her attention. He sees the two of them peak out of the window. He doesn't flip them off. He stares blankly into his ex's eyes. No emotion. No, anything. There was hurt in her eyes. He could see it.

Before she was able to make it outside, he got back into his car and drove off. Once he was down the road, it all hit him. The emotion. The loss. The change. Everything. He felt like he was on fire. This is a feeling he hasn't felt before, but he knows why. The pain of a love he always wanted but never got. There is no chance having it with her now. No chance at all.