BROKEN MEETS GRIEF

Chapter 36

"Well April now you know what the company will do. Write a plan out on how you're going to achieve it. The people you will need to work in it. The organisations you need to register with to be accredited that sort of thing."

"You sound very passionate about this company Ashton."

"That's because it's making me excited darling. I'm beginning to think I studied medicine because I really wanted to. But put too much pressure on myself to succeed. If I truly hated it I would've quit the course sooner. Maybe it was my dad nagging me to work at the company..."

"What are you saying Ashton?"

"It's more what I'm trying not to say. I don't blame my dad for what I did."

Two weeks into their stay in Menden Cassie ask Ashton to go for a walk. "You can tell me to mind my own business if you want. I know you don't like Menden but you're here and staying here for an unspecific amount of time. What's going on Ashton?"

"You once told me Menden was a place of healing. April has been dealing with friends and family betraying her. Then I told her something about my past."

"You told her about your suicide attempt."

He stops walking, "You knew?"

"Alex and I didn't keep secrets from each other."

"Where you disappointed in me as well?"

"Ashton your grandfather wasn't disappointed in you."

"He was, I saw his face in the hosptial he was devastated."

"Devastated isn't the same as disappointment. He didn't know what he was going to see when he walked into your room. When I tried to take my life he gave me charcoal and I threw up the pills. I saw his face he was devastated not because he was disappointed in me but because he could've lost me. When he heard what you did he was at work. He just pushed into your hosptial room without speaking to any of the doctors or nurses."

"I understand the situation better now gran."

"Ashton, I didn't tell anyone I was in a great deal of pain. I know medicine is a tough course. If you couldn't cope or didn't want to do it. We would have understood".

"Looking back on that period in my life I really wanted to be a doctor like granddad. When the course started, I didn't like it but I stayed and finish out my first year. Then somehow I found myself still doing the course four years later. I enjoyed the different rotation we did but when dad started putting pressure on me.."

"To take over the company.." finish Cassie.

"The pressure became too much to handle grandma. I was already doing a course to please someone else. I went from hating it to loving it to hating it. Suddenly there's all this pressure on me and it became too much."

"You and I need to use our words more Ashton. Please promise me you won't let situations get on top of you anymore. You have a wife now and you're beginning a new chapter in your life. I tried to take my life because I was looking at things through a tunnel. The problem with a tunnel is it's encased in darkness. Sometimes you see light and sometimes you don't whilst you're in it. Talk to your family and tell us what you're thinking. Don't worry about our feelings it's more important you're here with us."

"I will."

"I hear you're doing a very good job at Jones Industry the business pages can't stop singing your praises."

"I want to go back and finish medical school someday."

"Then go for it. All that matters is you're happy."

"How did you survive after not dying? Sorry it's a stupid question."

"It's really not, I told my family about the abuse and they stepped up and supported the hell out of me. My uncle Fred was amazing they all were. I really do miss them terribly. When they left Menden I was in a different place mentally but a part of me kept hoping they would come back. They didn't, I saw them at family weddings and funerals of course but they never came back here. This placed healed me but damaged them."

"Everyone sees a situation differently grandmother."

"This town heals you or damages you. I finally understood your grandfather he said this place was a place of healing for me. I get now why he choose to spend so much time in London in the end. Menden didn't heal me, it was my family supporting me that did. I clung on to this town for dear life. I never wanted to move anywhere else including nearer to my family. Your father is making the same mistake I did. His whole family lives away from this town. He's isolated here but can't see it."

"Doe this mean you're going to live with mum in London?" Ask Ashton hopefully.

"Yes, as soon a I speak to your father and you leave for America I will. This place helped me heal now I need to let it go. This has been my home for over sixty years."

"That is a very long time to live in the same place."

"Back to your question Ashton. When you realise that you're truly loved by people. When you see them make an effort to support you it changes you. I'll ask you the same question. How did you survive?"

"I think a better question for me is what made you want to survive and not try to kill yourself again? The answer was you. I remember our talks through the years. The truth was I was scared of taking over the family's company but you, my siblings and mum were so supportive. I knew whatever battles I had with dad I wouldn't be facing him alone."

"Are you scare of your father Ashton?"

"Not anymore but for a long time I was. Before I could talk I knew I would take over the company. I had no choice I was the first born son. I went away for three months after my suicide attempt. Having dad say you look well rested to me after not seeing me for months hurt me a lot. But I did what was expected of me as the dutiful son. He just assumed I went on a long vacation after university ended."

"I'm sorry Ashton."