Judgey: Hazbin Hotel Silly Thing

Chapter 1 (of ???): Exposed by Alastor

IMPORTANT! READ THIS FIRST!:

This is a little silly piece about what I think canon Alastor would think about all of our ships with him. It's just a silly thing meant to be in good fun, just a light teasing of the fandom, myself included. Ship who you wanna ship.

If you are going to leave a comment about your feelings about ships, it must be positive or neutral.

Alastor x Adam: I prefer my victims arrogant and ignorant, not my partners.

Alastor x Angel Dust: You mean you want me to spend my damned eternity with a whiny, crass floozy who can't sleep without a pet pig? No thank you, I'd like to keep my breakfast in my stomach.

Alastor x Fem!Angel Dust: Yes, because the problem I have with dating him is his masculinity. *tone: sarcastic* 

(This applies to all gender and intersex headcanons as well)

Alastor x Charlie: Ha! I'm afraid not. If I wanted to date a toddler who believes in fairytales, then I'd be in hell for very different reasons.

Alastor x Husk: I know that some people enjoy pain with their sexual pleasure, but the lengths I've put Husk through in the past may have been a bit extreme. Besides, people who date their property are the real crazy ones.

Alastor x Mimzy: Putting aside how much trouble she is, she is rather agreeable company. Though, I have found her lack of intelligence a hindrance for more in-depth conversations.

Alastor x Niffty: Husk actually convinced her once that we were dating! It was back when he'd given up trying to get out of his contract, but still wanted to make my life miserable. He did pull a juvenile prank or two. I taught him a lesson after of course. 

In this case, he told Niffty that I had asked her to be mine, but she didn't understand my "old style flirtations". She spent the rest of the day licking my shoes, hugging my legs, and bringing dead insects like a house cat. It wasn't all that different from her usual behavior, so I didn't really notice until the licking and the chanting. I made it clear that she was mistaken and she sulked for a bit, but was easily. distracted. 

Alastor x Lucifer: . . . While I see the potential benefits, they are not worth a minute of the agonizing drabble and fanciful notions. It's not hard to see where Charlie got it from. The apple certainly does not fall far from the tree.

Alastor x Lute: I don't think I've ever spoken with the madam, but she sounds useful. I don't think flirting would be the way to earn her trust, however . . .

How many more of these are there? I'd really like to be done with this nonsense.

Alastor x Sir Pentious: Who? Oh, yes. The slithery fellow who still believes that machines can stand against real black magic. Honestly, I wouldn't associate with him if it weren't for Charlie.

Alastor x Rosie: I've seen her taste in men, Darling. I would either be roasted or stewed. I much prefer to be the one sitting at the other end of the table, enjoying a tender meal with an old friend.

Alastor x Vaggie: She's quite the nuisance, and she's always in the way. As much as I'd love to get rid of her influence on Charlie, dating her myself sounds truly dreadful. Besides, trying to steal away the princess of hell's girlfriend seems like an unwise decision, don't you agree? Not to mention that it would ruin any future plans I may have, and make this hotel venture a grand waste of time.

Alastor x Valentino: He seems like a gongoozler. If there was ever a need to provoke Vox there are better ways to do it.

Alastor x Velvette: She has both the overconfidence and fussiness of a toddler. She reminds me of a young and naive Husker. Give her a few decades in hell and some hard learned lessons in hell and she might be worth talking to.