Lately, I’ve spent a lifetime regretting.
Endless what ifs consume my soul; life’s moving past in blurs and I’m still stuck at the starting line. Where did all the time go? What will happen to me now?
I think of every opportunity that was presented before me yet I couldn’t seize because of my circumstances. What if I had the money and support to go through with it? Would I then not wallow in this despair and frustration?
Questions upon questions. Life is not fair. It doesn’t treat everyone equally. No matter how hard I try, an impossibly tall wall stands before me. I’m doing everything that I can, pouring blood sweat and tears into my river of books. Still, it’s just not enough. I wonder if it ever will be.
What more can I do? Besides writing out my desperation, I’ve exhausted most options. I can’t change what has already happened and I know I need to drain my heart of its gloom, but how?
I can not and will not lose this battle with myself. Squandering all hope is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yet I can’t help how I feel as I descend into madness, down Alice’s rabbit hole.
It doesn’t end there either. I feel a certain way about someone lately. It’s not going to end well. I know. I’ve been running away all year from this inevitable. It feels kind of eerie now that I think about it, because I knew since the very beginning that I’d trip and fall over for them. And so I ran ceaselessly down halls looking for every opportunity to avoid it all, in between classes and breaks, only to now regret doing so in the first place.
I couldn’t stop myself from caring for them and now wish SO BAD that I had more time. Hah it's ironic isn’t it? No matter how much you run away, life always catches up to you.
Never make the same mistakes I did, open up and face your feelings head on. Don’t leave words unsaid, express yourself to those you care about and know that you did your best; that’s all that matters in the end.
I’d drill these words into my younger self’s brain if I could. But now I hope my future self pays heed to them.
After all, life’s short. We have much less time than we think. So instead of surrendering yourself to what could have been, you must seize the day. Burn in a ball of fury. Spread your wings so high and wide that the only way to go is up, soaring through the skies.
