The Redemption of a Douchebag (Hazbin Hotel Fanfic)

Nah, I'm Agnostic

"Pfft... oh please, If I knew where Cain was, every single one of his holes would have been filled on camera in 4K HD by now," Valentino shrugs.

"You're disgusting," Adam grunts.

"What about Velvette? Vox? They both run media programs that might give us some clues!" Lucifer pleads.

"Please, don't you think that if either of them found anything, I wouldn't have been the first overlord to jump on that? Do you know how much money stuffing the holes of one of the first humans could bring me!" Valentino smirks.

"I'm going to punch him," Adam growls as he pushes up his sleeve.

"You can do that after we find your son, until then, no hurting anyone!" Lucifer places his hand in front of Adam.

"Go on, listen to your twink," Valentino smirks.

"Why is everyone calling me that now!" Lucifer whines as he pulls Adam away and out of the sex club.

"This fist, and your face, Phbooom!" Adam gestures with his hands as he's dragged away by Lucifer.

"And why would I know anything about this... Cain person?" Carmilla groans.

"Fucking christ dude, didn't any of you sinners read the bible in life?" Adam scoffs.

"Nah, I'm agnostic," Carmilla smirks as she looks towards her nails.

"Well... what about your daughters? You ship weapons all over the pride ring? Have any of them seen anything that might give us a lead?" Lucifer pleads.

"Listen, even if we did, how could we even tell that it was him? I may have been down here for a while, but it sounds like your target has been down here far longer. Would he even look like a sinner at this point?" Carmilla asks.

"Well I don't know, that's kind of why we're asking around!" Adam shouts.

"Hmm..." Carmilla considers, "Listen, I admire your... passion... in this search, and I relate to your commitment to your children, but I'm afraid I can't help you. The oldest overlord in hell is from the 1500s, and given your son's timeline, you might as well be asking if mayflies remember 9/11. I'd assume your luck lies elsewhere."

"That's... actually pretty helpful," Adam considers.

"Whatever gets you out of my office quicker," Carmilla shrugs.

"Wow, you really are way shorter in real life..." Blitzø blurts out, "And he's way taller."

"Just answer the damn question, imp!" Lucifer groans, trying to ignore the large shit-eating grin that formed on Adam's face.

"With all due respect, your majesty, we aren't exactly royalty. We're not sure why you're asking us of all people," Moxxie politely asks.

"Well, you little imps have been busy breaking hell's rules, wrecking infrastructure, seducing goetias, and interrupting the fundamental duties of the other sins, so I at the very least expect you to know literally anything about one of the most important human souls in hell!?"

"Nope, we got nothin'" Blitzø shrugs, "Though... If I may offer some advice, are you guys sure you're even searching in the right place? Cain wasn't exactly known for his pride, you know?"

"Human souls can't leave the pride ring, right? I woulda thought you little imp things knew that much," Adam shrugs.

"They can't... or at the very least they shouldn't be able to." Lucifer considers.