Play Pretend | South Park Style

Part 10

( Trigger warning: mention of an eating disorder, alcoholism, depression & self-harm )

I genuinely didn't know where to start, do I just immediately start telling Stan what I hate about myself or should I take it easy?

God, how do you even talk about things like this...

"Hey," Stan spoke, putting his hand on top of mine. "It's okay, I'm here to listen." He said.

I sighed deeply and began to speak.

"It started a month or two ago, I started thinking more about the way I looked and how I felt about myself. It was then that I realised I didn't like a lot of things about myself... The things I'm most insecure about are my nose and my body. It just doesn't feel right, Stan."

"I started eating less, but I still ate. Although, I looked out for what I ate. Constantly checking the calories on the back of the package and stuff like that. I thought I didn't see much change so I decided to just stop eating completely. I haven't eaten for a few days now... I feel horrible with myself and I don't know what to do." Tears rolled down my cheeks, it was extremely hard to talk about this.

Stan didn't reply to what I just said, instead, he came closer to me and hugged me tightly. It took him a minute or five to finally respond and give his opinion. "Kyle... I'm sorry you feel that way. You need to know that people see you differently than you see yourself."

I pulled away from the tight hug and met Stan his gaze, listening to the words that came out of his mouth. "When I look at you, I see my perfect best friend. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you! Trust me, you look amazing. You aren't the same size as Cartman..." Stan said with a chuckle and to be honest, it made me laugh a little bit as well.

"You know, I used to have that as well and I kind of still do... Just in a different type of way. I never really liked the way I looked but it'll pass eventually. You just need to find something that makes you feel a little better about yourself! Like I did, I dyed my hair blonde." Stan said proudly with a smile on his face.

Hearing Stan his words did make me start thinking a little bit. Maybe all I needed was a small glow-up? I needed something to make me feel a little better about myself. Still, I was hearing a lot of negative thoughts in my head and I don't know how to get rid of them.

"That means a lot... I guess you are right but... Why won't these thoughts shut up? Why do I feel like I'll never be good enough for anybody?" I said, looking away. 

"You are good enough for me," Stan said, his grip on my hand tightening slightly. "You will get through this, I promise. Perhaps you should also see a therapist like I am right now. I can't give you any great advice... But maybe a professional can? I've been going to a therapist for my depression now and it is kind of helpful sometimes." Stan admitted.

I scratch the back of my neck, I don't know if I want help from a therapist because I'm not sure if they can help me. "Does your therapist help you?"

"Yeah, she does. I used to struggle a lot with my depression... Remember when I hit rock bottom that one time? I went out to party almost every single day, drinking alcohol and getting shit-faced." Stan said.

"Mhm, I remember," I reply.

"All of that was because my parents were going through a divorce and fought every day. I used to struggle severely with self-harm. I told you and you were the one that suggested for me to seek help and so I did. I have been clean for about a month now." 

My face lit up and I immediately hugged Stan again. "Holy shit! That's amazing! I'm so proud of you, Stan..." I say.

His arms wrapped around me, hugging me back tightly. "Thank you, so, my point is... I'm sure you can get through this as well. I'll make a call, maybe my therapist could help you." Stan said in a soft tone.

"Alright, thank you," I said, smiling.

"No problem, anything for you. I just want you to be okay. Please remember that you are worth it, I know you can do this and push those thoughts away." He said.

I nodded, "I'll try my best."

Suddenly, Stan pulled away from the hug and stood up. "Okay, listen here. You are perfect the way you are." He began. "Come here."

I stood up and walked over to Stan, wondering what was on his mind.

"Look at yourself in the mirror and say that you are perfect just the way you are."

My eyes widened a little bit, I turned my head to look at Stan. "That's cringe..."

"Come on! My advice was shit so this is at least something you can do." Stan pointed at the mirror a bit further away from me.

I slowly rolled my eyes and turned to the mirror, taking a step closer. I take a deep breath, "I'm perfect the way I am." I say quietly.

Stan cheered, "Great! Now louder! Come on, I'll say it with you!"

Stan stood next to me and I couldn't help but chuckle at his attempt to make me feel better, but, it did start to work.

"Okay, on three."

 "One,"

 'Two,"

"Three!" Stan counted.

"I'M PERFECT THE WAY I AM!" We both yelled at the same time, laughing.

How come whatever he does can make me feel so warm inside? I feel so happy whenever I'm around him. It's not just because he is an absolute dork and a goofball but he is way much more than that. He is my best friend... And sometimes, I wish we were more.

It's these moments that make me wish we were more than what we are right now this very moment. I'm already happy that we are pretending to date, it's more than enough for me. He is my soulmate, I can feel it. There's a spark between us that never left or faded away.

Sometimes I'm afraid that that spark will eventually go away, but it never seems to actually go. That's special. He is my happiness, the person that lights up the room for me.

It's him. Stan, my best friend. Stanley Marsh.