Play Pretend | South Park Style

Part 12

The next day arrived sooner than expected, everything went so quickly but that was always the case at sleepovers. The more fun you have, the quicker time goes. All I know is that I did have fun last night... I at least think I did. 

I spent my morning thinking about what happened, the intimate moment I and Stan had shared. We have never done something like that before so this feeling was one I didn't recognize. That's what is confusing me the most.

I was sat at the dinner table, warming my hands with the cup of tea I made a few minutes ago. My hair was an absolute mess to the point of irritating me. Combing my curls with my fingers wouldn't make much of a difference. Stan was still upstairs sleeping in my bed, he usually always sleeps in a bit. 

To be honest, I couldn't blame him for that. It was a Sunday morning. Everyone sleeps in on a Sunday, especially when you have absolutely nothing to do or worry about. I am worrying about something.

What the hell was I thinking last night?

I made boundaries for a reason, and we should've stuck to them. So the question is, why didn't we? One side of me is telling me that it's just because we are horny teenagers and it just happened. But then in the back of my head, I know there's way more to it. 

Suddenly, I got snapped out of my thoughts. Stan walked into the kitchen, yawning. His dyed blonde hair was pretty messy as well, he must've slept well. 

"Good morning," I spoke.

"Morning..." He replied, still sounding tired. His morning voice made my stomach turn, it was raspy and low.

Stan grabbed a mug and poured himself some cold coffee, not adding sugar or milk. 

There it was, the silence I was afraid of. The awkward, 'what the fuck have we done' silence. "So..." I cleared my throat before continuing. 

I adjusted myself on the wooden chair I sat on, straightening my posture. "We should talk about what happened last night."

Stan placed the mug down, sighing softly. "Do we need to? It just happened."

"No, I need to know more than that. Why? Why did you want to kiss me?" I asked, standing up from the chair.

He crossed his arms over his chest, "Why did you allow me to?"

Is he being serious? What does he even mean by that? He does have a point though...Why did I let it happen? I could've stuck to the boundaries we had set, but I didn't. I sat back down, not responding to his question.

He took his mug, taking a sip before speaking up again. "Sorry, that sounded rude... Let's just talk about it another time. Okay?" 

I nodded, I wasn't in the mood for an argument in the morning. He gave me a nod in return.

The day passed pretty quickly. Me and Stan spent most of our time watching TV in silence, although, I didn't pay attention to the screen. I was drowning in my thoughts, an ocean full of questions. Does he like me? Or is it just all part of our little game? The game where we are keeping a secret from his girlfriend.

The worst part is that the secret isn't small, it's a big secret. The kind of secret you would get in trouble for if you told anyone else. So, there are two choices. Let the secret grow bigger, or confess. 

"Stan?" I tapped on his arm, waiting for a response.

He turned his head to meet my gaze. "Yeah?"

"Are you still going to talk to Wendy today?" I asked like it was any of my business.

He hesitated for a moment before getting up from the couch. "I probably should, sorry. I completely forgot about it... Uhm... I'll give you a call later okay?" 

I nodded, watching him leave my house. Once the front door shut I let out a huge exhale. At least he will talk to her and just maybe we won't need to keep this a secret anymore. I'm horrible at keeping secrets, especially if I know I could upset someone.

After a minute or two, I turned the TV off and headed upstairs. When I entered my room, I could somehow still feel Stan his presence. It didn't bother me, not at all. I wish he was still here.

I quickly made my bed, trying to ignore the thoughts that were running through my head. This is so wrong, so horribly wrong. 

I can't take it anymore.

Quickly, I rushed over to my desk. I sat down on my chair and opened my laptop roughly, waiting for it to start up impatiently. Once it turned on, I immediately clicked on Google and started typing rapidly.

'Am I gay?'

Wow, Kyle. Just imagine if your mother would see what you are doing right now. I pressed the enter button and started scrolling through multiple links. There were so many that I started getting overwhelmed. After a while, I decided to do a small quiz.

'Am I gay for my best friend?' Even worse than what I had searched for in the first place.

"Okay, first question... Have you ever dreamed about kissing your best friend?" I thought, then pressed the 'yes' button. I knew that for this test to give me accurate results, I needed to answer honestly.

"Do you think your best friend is attractive?" Well, that's kind of a stupid question, of course I do. That's completely normal.

"Do you think about them 24/7?" 

Do I think about Stan 24/7? I wasn't completely sure, I suppose I kind of do.

"Do you miss them easily?" Fuck, I do. This probably means I do like him, don't I? He left a few minutes ago and I already wish he was still here. Fuck, fuck, fuck...

The next question caught me off guard, purely because I wasn't sure how to answer it. I felt my heart drop and race faster. "Do you think you are in love with them?"

Am I in love with Stan?

Impossible.

There's no way, he is my best friend and has been for years now. We have gone through good and bad, how could this happen? I have experienced crushes before, and you know what's bizarre? I feel the same way about Stan. My heart races faster, I can feel my entire body heat up whenever he is around and I want to kiss him so badly.

Fuck it, I've got to know.

'Thank you for taking this quiz! Yes, you are definitely in love with your best friend. Secretly in love.'

Holy shit.