Before The Stress (Book One Of The S&S Series)

Chapter One - Blair

"Sometimes, letting go is the ultimate act of self-love." – Bryant McGill

"I'm going for fuck sake. Why couldn't you leave this until later... Why do you have to start all of this now? You know I have to go out, you couldn't just wait a few fucking minutes could you?" The sarcasm and pure venom filled my mouth as each word passed by, my breaths were short and sharp and I knew I needed this to end as quickly as it had started. I had no time or effort left within me—not for today, not with him.

"Oh go on then, fucking leave. I'm not keeping you here. Go have fun at your stupid little training session." Rage bellowed off of him, the shouting growing louder with each passing second. His tall stature filled the room, disintegrating any form of presence I thought I had within the small space that was my flat. The dark all consuming look in his eyes, only confirmed how overpowered by his anger he really was. His blackened hair smothered his head, only heightening the shadows from beneath and within. I held my stance for a mere second before I knew that I didn't need this, not now. I glanced at Clive knowing that if I stayed here one more second he would destroy any good feeling that was left within with my day—after all, that was all he did now. He destroyed everything, sucking all of the joy out of my world.

How can I even begin to process this?

My mind raced but I pushed my body towards the door, knowing that every second I stayed arguing with him would only result in more cursed words and deepened feelings of resentment. Each passing thought only continued to fuel the hatred that was growing, sinking my mood deeper and deeper down into the depths within my own mind. I had to take this one moment that I had, and grasp ahold of it so tightly. With a deep breath I said the only sentence that could and would come to mind.

"I'm going. Fuck this, and fuck you." Clasping the door handle I threw the door open with more force than was necessary, hearing the door collide with a cabinet behind, I slammed it shut just as quickly. Taking no time to contemplate my decision, I had no fight left in me to give.

I was tired. Oh, so tired.

Forcing my AirPod Pros into my ears I allowed my feet to pound against the harsh concrete beneath me, the air was bitter instantly biting against my pale freckled skin. The wind was a familiar enemy in the moment, swirling my hair around aggressively—only adding to the rage that was bubbling deep beneath the surface. But I couldn't ignore the overwhelming sense of relief at not being in the apartment anymore, there was finally a feeling of freedom starting to bloom within me. Instead I focused on leading myself to the one place I found to be my new safe haven.

The Gym.

My breathing was still erratic and I could feel the deep seeded emotions trying to bloom their way to the surface, but I pushed with every ounce of might to force them back down. I couldn't have this happen, not again, I had turned up to too many sessions with tears filling my eyes and every time Hale—my Personal Trainer— looked at me, I could see the pity that filled them. And that killed me.

I couldn't handle the way his eyebrows would draw together and how the words he wanted to say would hang on the edge of his tongue just waiting to be spoken. I was more than this, this wasn't how my life was supposed to play out. But yet here I was—clear as day—dragging myself through this hell, again.

Within 10 minutes the Gym slowly crept into my view and I knew I was almost home. It was time to continue with what felt like the endless pursuit to a happier and healthier me. Before I could blink I was creeping through the doors and getting the faint whiff of cleaning products, mixed with the faint smell of sweat that hung aggressively in the air. The blindingly, unflattering fluorescent lights hung overhead only adding to the familiar atmosphere that this place held within it's high ceilinged walls. Glancing around at the group of strangers and the odd smattering of familiar ones, I took those first few quiet steps further inside.