Galavant Fanfiction

Two Months Earlier...

While Princess Isabella was hiding in the cellar, up above was King Richard and Queen Madalena sitting in the throne room bored to death as the Jester tried to make the royals laugh. Well, technically Richard was the one who was bored to death, Madalena was thrilled after hearing the banana joke. The king rolled his eyes at how his wife was reacting to the Jester's act, not seeing what Madalena sees. It was quite obvious that the Queen had an interest in the Jester, but King Richard was too blind to see it, even when the two exchanged flirty looks at one another.

"Well, I will go and compliment the Jester" said Madalena, adjusting her bosom before leading the Jester out of the throne room to the bed chamber. King Richard was also doing his best to get the King and Queen of Valencia to hand over the jewel for his wife. He tried everything at this point, so much so that each time he failed, his wife would bring up the name 'Galavant' which made his ears bleed. "She really gets a kick out of that damn jester" said Richard, "I don't know. Maybe it is all going over my head"
"Oh, it's definitely going over your head, sir" said Gareth

The sound of crackling metal was heard, enter a scrawny looking male dressed in red, bring a tray of food for the King. The male did his best to avoid eye contact with King Richard as he presented a midday snack for him. "A midday snack, my king?" he asked hesitantly.
King Richard gestures to the scrawny male to come forth, raising a brow as the other steps forward. "What happened to the other chef?" he asked, "Looked just like you, but... older, more wrinkly"
"My father?" asked the young Chef
"Right. What happened to him?"
"You had him killed, sir. Your mutton was too rare"

King Richard was surprised by his actions, having a chef executed for mutton that was too rare? That didn't sound like him at all, at least that's what he thought. The chef went on saying the King also killed his father before him, and the one before him, basically the family for the last four generations of chefs. "It's not a great job, my king," he said sadly.
"I'm such a bully" The King said to himself, rather disappointed under the "terrible amount of pressure" he was going through.
Surprisingly, the chef was okay with it since it was all in the past. King Richard then glanced at his right hand, "Oh, Gareth, I try so hard to please her. I invaded a kingdom for a jewel, I respect her vow of chastity and yet everyday I have to hear it over and over again."

Galavant, Galavant,
Blah, blah, blah, blah, Galavant
I want her, I need her, crave her, yes, it's true
But she is not the only thing I desperately want to do

I want to shoot him with a crossbow
I want to stab him in the eye
I want to liberate his head from his neck
And the punt the bloody wreck sky high

I want to hurl him out a window
And shove explosives where the sun don't shine
Want to skewer him some swords then slowly twist them
All around his reproductive system
Won't that be divine?

Then she'll be mine
"Everybody sing!" yelled Gareth as everyone joins the chorus
(And then you'll do it every evening)
Sweet God, at last!
(In every room on every floor)
Till I can't do it anymore

And with no Galavant distracting your bride
We could start a genocidal war
(Yay, we're gonna go to-) "Wait, what?!"
I'll get back to all my hobbies
Like raising taxes and tormenting the poor
(Crush those poor)

No more "Galavant is just complete perfection!"
"Gal would never lose his-"
"Temper"
Won't that be divine?

And she'll be mine
(La la la la)
Just mine, all mine
(La la la la)
Mine, all mine, all mine

"Well that was ripping!" said King Richard once he took his seat after performing his number. Gareth had to break the news that Galavant still lives and is still the greatest warrior in five kingdoms. Richard rolled his eyes and waved off the fact. "Fine" he groaned, If I can't win her love, I'll buy it"
The chef steps in, "My king?" he asked, "There is another I've heard about"
This caught the king and his right hand intrigued. "Go on" said the king, "Well, who is it? Tell me, tell me"
"Umm... There is another warrior that's been traveling the five kingdoms as of late. I heard she has helped the poor, battling many foes, even searching for a witch"
King Richard blinked, "She? This warrior you speak of is a woman?"
"Y-yes, my King, she's from a kingdom called 'New York' "

The throne room went silent as King Richard thought about this 'female warrior' roaming around the five kingdoms. In the end, he laughed as if he heard the funniest joke in the world along with Gareth. Just then, the guards bring forth the King and Queen of Valencia so they could discuss the jewel's whereabouts.
The king stops laughing as he thought of the joke from earlier, whispering to himself, "Orange you glad I didn't say 'banana' again?"
"Not funny at all, sir" said Gareth, making sure to agree with King Richard