Choice Cuts

The Silent Agent

This is delicious. That was the last thought that came to the Guest’s mind before the lights went out. Well, actually it was ‘This is de’, but it didn’t sound as profound as the complete version. And other people might think of other things that begin with the letter ‘d’ followed with an ‘e’, so…

Anyway, on to more important things. Where were they again? Oh yes, the party. The party! Yes! The Guest was at the party. You could even say they were a party guest. Ba-dum-tss! Get it? They’re the Guest and–No? Okay. Right. The Guest cleared their throat. So. The party. The Guest looked solemnly ahead. It was during the party where everything started.

No, actually, everything started when the Guest received their invitation letter four moons ago, you see? And they were very glad that they received one, you know? The Guest really thought they wouldn’t get one because they and the Celebrant had a past together, you know? It all began when–Oh, right, the party. The Guest chuckled sheepishly. Hey, what’s that gun for? The Guest cleared their throat again. There’s no need to point that thing at me. The Guest chuckled nervously. The Guest is getting to the meat of the story now. They tried for a grin. Emphasis on the tried.

It all started when the Celebrant called for a dance. Yes! A dance! The Guest couldn’t believe it either. They remember the last time they and the Celebrant got to dance together, it was during a party as well, but not as glamorous as this one. But still! You know the Guest would do everything in their power to be the Celebrant’s dance partner! The Guest paused to take a breath.

Yeah, yeah. So the band started playing this song, and you know what song it was? Come on, take a guess. The Guest knows you want to. Okay, you really shouldn’t point that thing at my he–Okay! The dance!

Everyone began pairing up and it was just, amazing. Gowns and dresses of different shapes and sizes. And suits in varying degrees of sharpness and smoothness. Oh, it felt like a fairy tale come to life. The Guest had a glazed look on their eyes. A finger flicked their forehead. Yes! The dance! The Guest straightened on their seat.

Everyone was pairing up, yeah? They, on the other hand, was just finishing their second fill of caviar from a queer-looking plate, when their eyes caught a glimpse of the Celebrant.

The Celebrant was… Was looking wonderful. They looked so wonderful. The Celebrant was everything the Guest could even hope for, not even a third helping of caviar would distract them again from looking at the Celebrant.

The Guest chewed and swallowed. Thought wow, that was de–Darkness.

Dead silence for a full second. And then screams. Broken glass. Trampling feet. Chairs sliding across the floor. The song screeching to a halt.

A gunshot. Shouts and screams everywhere. Hundreds of feet thundering on the dance hall. Glass breaking, shattering. Splintering. Yells of pain. Cries of help. Tables being upended. Where’s the exit?

A gun barrel touched-shoved the Guest’s shoulder. The Guest looked up at the faces of the ones keeping them “hostage”. What happened to the Celebrant, you ask? Dead. They made sure of it. Oops, tongue slip! The Guest chuckled gleefully on their seat, hands slapping their thighs in mirth.

All of the guns in the room pointed at the Guest now. The Guest still chuckled their head off. The light in the room flickered. The room was flooded in darkness. The Guest stopped chuckling. Dead silence.

|Originally written: April 09, 2020