- F A L L E N -

18

The forest was green and lurid. Running through it was like stumbling forward through a lucid dream. Each plant and tree seemed to be oversized and stretching towards us, threatening us all with the force of nature. My right cheek seemed to burn with intensity the farther we ran, and the way it practically sizzled in the sun made me very aware of the fact that it was probably ruddy and red, embarrassingly so. I hoped to God we would find water soon so I could cool it down, like a bad burn. We'd been running for almost half an hour, and while Katniss and Peeta were trying to slow to a jog, I kept the pace, then quickened it in increments: a sprint here, a sprint there. Shamefully, a part of me was also motivated to find water out of embarrassment, the floridness of my face probably looked awful, not like something I'd want someone to be seeing on screen. Much less Finnick. Thankfully I was at the front of the line, so only the forward jungle was able to judge me and my complexion. I was painfully self-aware.

"Ok hold up, hold up", Finnick said from the back, and we all came to an exhausted stop. Katniss walked up to my side at the front, looking out at the cove of dreamy sunlight we were now all parked under, shifting her eyes as she took all the thick, alive nature in. The honey tint cast upon us like a gooey spotlight and made me feel even stickier and sweatier than I was. I now noticed all the busy jungle noises with the unfilled time: the birds that flapped their wings, the birds that cawed in spasms, the softer ones that chirped and sang, the bees and flies that added different, distinct buzzing noises to the cacophony of background sound. It was beautiful and somewhere my body ached, knowing too well this would be the last time I got to be interwoven into a scene as beautiful as this. Right by me was a tree with cherry red flowers crawling up its vines, and I picked one and put it in my hair as I melted into the ground, holding my knees together in a childlike tuck, still living in my thoughts. Now motionless, I realized how exhausted I was from running. I tried not to show it on my face. Finnick crouched down by my side right after, a few feet away from me, and smiled at the flower in my hair. It reminded me of the smile he gave to me as we were waiting for our skill assessments just a few days ago, freely laughing and talking in absence of the cameras. I missed it.

"How bad is it?" I whispered, winded, pointing to my cheek, hoping the Capitol had more important film to be airing right now than a group of tributes doing nothing but panting and sweating together. Resting.

Finnick bit his lip, containing a larger grin than he gave, "You've looked better", he whispered back, laughing a little to himself.

I met his stare and rolled my eyes like I was angry, then turned away to put the colder side of my palm to my cheek. Secretly distressed.

"God it's hot", Peeta breathed out suddenly, "we need to find water". The rest of us looked at him slowly in agreement, each of us too tired to speak if we didn't have to. The whir of flies filled the empty silence as we sat together, sucking the time dry. Concentrating on the subtle tiredness of our bodies before we had to get up again. I was still looking at Peeta when cannons started to go off, three loud explosions, one after the other. My heart sank with each boom, each one a fallen tribute, each one a reminder of what I would end up as.

"Well, I guess we're not holding hands anymore" Finnick chuckled, his white smile flashing at the group.

"You think that's funny?" Katniss questioned, cross and slightly agitated.

"Every time that cannon goes off, its music to my ears", Finnick assured, pointing up to the sky while staring at Katniss, "I don't care about any of them", he added, so matter of fact it made me shiver. Finnick's seamless change of heart and attitude under anyone else's eyes always left me with a bare, cold feeling. As if the boy I knew and loved had detached from me, on a small scale, and turned into someone I didn't even like. Not that I was honest about myself, nobody was, we were all performing to some extent. But Finnick's change was extreme, and I only knew it was because he had to, he had to learn how to, too early. Thinking about it poked and prodded at the deep burrow of frustration I had accumulated over the years. For the times he had to disappear to the Capitol for weeks on end, for the times I touched him and he flinched, all too similar to the touch I know another had forced on him, for the times I woke up to him laying open-eyed next to me in bed, "I'm sorry" I'd whisper as I held him close to me, and he'd just brush my hair away from my face and whisper to me to fall back sleep. For each time he bared it alone.

"Good to hear" Katniss replied sarcastically, pulling a sword out of the black hook of weapons hanging off her back, her face a blended mix of boredom and annoyance, daring Finnick to react.

"Want to face the career pack alone?" Finnick responded, intimidating Katniss with his stormy green eyes and sureness in himself, "What would Haymitch say?"

"Haymitch isn't here."

Peeta and I looked to each other through their tension, a tinge of worry and rush accompanying our faces, both of us aware that we needed this alliance just as much as the other. Both of us aware that Finnick would be the one to screw it up. "Let's keep moving", Peeta offered finally, standing up and walking further through the trees. Katniss continued to hold her stare on Finnick as she stood, while Finnick looked to me. I did not look back. I was stuck between the line of knowing how I felt: wound up, exhausted, ashamed, full of love for him, empty with the unmet desire to communicate, but not knowing how to tell him any of it. I sighed the sigh of a million little things and motioned for him to lead as we walked.