A Faltering self

Chapter 10- Something's Different

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My mind still doesn't want to be settled when I'm on my way back to Grandma's. Even less so when I notice Mom's car is here, which means, the rest of everyone is already here.

Great, here it goes.

I know postponing is only going to make things worse, so I head inside. Deciding that dealing with any problems now is better than leaving them unresolved for when Jackson and them come over. It would only make everything worse if I didn't. But, it doesn't make it any easier going up the path. My feet practically drag themselves as I go.

'You have to face it eventually.'

I know

'So why are you stalling?'

Because maybe time will freeze and I won't have to deal with it.

'You know better-'

I know.

I'm through the door and the chaos is almost instant. A heavy feeling practically swallowing me up. Grandma, Sydney, Bailey, and Mom are in the kitchen talking and cooking, Grandpa is in his room talking to someone, Jonathan pops inside from the back porch, and the T.V. is on on the other end of the house. Everything seems to collide and I don't know how anyone else is unbothered.

I keep quiet, unable to say much even if I did want to, I just go with whichever direction is offered my way. I'm in the kitchen before I know it and watch everything going on for a moment trying to figure out how to help, but also afraid to jump in and mess up whatever rhythm is going on.

Sydney looks up at me for a moment, her face not angry the way I expected it to be before she speaks up.

"You can help with potatoes, we still need them peeled and cut."

Almost as if she knew the struggle I was having, I go straight into the task.

"Okay..."

I want to apologize for earlier, and I even almost do, but can't. Instead, I try to leave it unspoken now until I finally do.

Bailey makes her way to me to help, but I'm still unused to her presence. She seems nice, but just the thought of why she's here makes it hard to let my guard down. I want to be nice to her, but the best I come up with is not to be mean.

"Hey, I'll help. Do you want to cut or peal?"

I give her a quick glance before speaking in a hushed tone.

"I'll peal them."

I still can't seem to manage to give anything more than quick responses to her. Almost like I know it's needed to keep my mouth shut and not say anything I'll regret sharing later. Which, yeah... I do. Without much of a filter, it's better for me to stay quiet, or mostly so.

Mom pipes up while she pours a glass of wine for herself.

"Oh, Maddy, Jackson called and said he'll be here shortly. When he comes, you can help him settle in. We've got enough hands in the kitchen, so when you're done with those, don't worry about anything else."