The darkest part of my mind

Depression

I started to get into a deep depression when I was about 10 going into middle school.

I wasn't diagnosed until sophomore year of high school.

I've been to two therapist and been through two different medications.

The first made me gain 30 pounds

I didn't realize until my older brother said something

I looked at the scale and seen it

I couldn't believe it

But I could see how my face started to get a kind of puffiness to it over the last few months

After that I stopped taking the medication

I didn't eat for a week.

When my doctor did his check up, he gave me the usual questions

Have you felt depressed?
Had any thoughts that you'd or your family would be better off without you?
Are you moody?
Does it affect your everyday life?
Have you felt irritated?
Etc.

The medication wasn't actually helping me. It just made me feel better, in a way it numbed the pain but didn't take it away. Everyone else could see it but me.

Whenever I was in a deep depression I'd sleep more, eat less or over eat, I'd stop talking to my friends, sleep through school...

At some point along the way I felt that I was better off without any friends, I would get irritated with my own friends asking me questions or even talking to me about anything.

I wanted to be alone.

But I didn't want to feel alone.

When I stopped making friends it was because I was so overwhelmed with my own pain that I wasn't able to take any more in for anyone else.

I wasn't able to sit with someone and let them vent to me about their problems and give them decent advice anymore.

But when I stopped letting friends vent to me, I lost someone to vent to.