The darkest part of my mind

Plan B

I've always wondered how people can just know what they want to be when they grow up...

I know I want to go to college

But I don't know what for

I know I don't want to be one of those people that go without anything to work towards, no path to take

That'd just be a waste of money.

My plan A was to go to college right after graduation and pursue whatever I wanted.

But I don't even know what I want

On the other hand I have a plan b...

If I don't know what I want to major in by the time I'm in my senior year of high school and applying for colleges, I'll go into the military, to figure out what I want.

At the time, This was my plan b for the specific reason of what could happen. There was no figuring out what I wanted.

I know, I want to go out on my own terms but I don't want to go out before I make some kind of impact on someone.

For me this is the best way to go out.

For those who know what I mean (sorry) but for those who don't, I hope you never do. I hope no one feels the pain of being a burden to peoples lives and has to feel like they haven't accomplished anything.

The only way I'd feel ready, is when I feel accomplished. Right now I don't.

When I told my therapist what my plan b was <she was very concerned as one would be> but I think she was also relieved to hear that I could see a future within myself and wasn't giving up completely.

She told me she had a friend that went to the army. She said he went and when he figured out what he wanted to do, he had the benefit to go for free.

I guess that's my new plan b.

I wasn't sure about what she had told me at the time, until I told my dad what my plan b was (leaving some details out).

I was so scared to tell him for some reason. I guess I didn't expect his reaction to be good. Instead, He told me if was a good idea, having to also say something about my moms side of the family being a bunch of alcoholic/ druggies. Which is what he usually says about them.

He told me it was good to have a plan, to have something, instead of being a nobody like my cousins and aunts/uncles.

That was probably the nicest way for him to say he was proud.