I'M MAKING MY WAY HOME | LESTAPPEN

Prologue

How to heal a broken heart?
0. Prologue

three years earlier

It has been raining for a good twenty minutes. There are flashes and thunder around me every now and then, making me shudder in fright. I hate thunderstorms, but today I hate myself and how I am experiencing what has happened. I shouldn't be angry, sad and scared about the future without this person next to me. But here I am. I'm scared as hell, heartbroken, and I know that the raindrops on my face are actually a lot of tears coming out of my eyes.

My legs themselves lead me to a place where I often feel safe. I don't have to think about where I'm going. I finally arrive in front of the familiar door, where we mostly stood together, smiling broadly and enjoying each other's company. Today, that's gone. Today I'm alone, hurt and seeking help, though I don't say it out loud.

I knock on the door, glancing at my clothes. They are soaked, I'm cold and I can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling, though I really want to be empty of emotions right now. I don't want them. I don't need to feel. I want to be the machine my father once wanted to create, but getting to know him has changed my attitude. I regret that I didn't listen to my dad, I just let him change. I regret many things, but not this person, because although he left me in this state, I know that this is a lesson and memories for life, although now I want to scream that this person I hate and destroyed me.

In the doorway stands him. I don't know how long we've known each other. I don't know how many bad and good things have happened since then, but I know he's here for me, and I'm here for him. He has always been and will always be, no matter what happens, who stands in our paths or how much we quarrel. I trust him, and he trusts me. I know he's the only person who will sit next to me and instead of telling me it's going to be okay, he'll say it's going to be shitty, but I'll shake it off someday and go on through life alone.

"What are you doing here?" he asks confused. He's standing there in sweatpants. He's probably already gone to bed, because he's shirtless and his hair is disheveled in every direction. He suddenly crinkles his eyebrows, opening the door wider when he sees me crying.

Probably I don't look good. Probably in addition to soaked clothes and wet hair, my face looks bad enough that the boy worriedly approaches me. However, I don't let him say anything, because his words will make me never gather myself to tell him the truth.

"He left." I say in an ochre one word, through which so many emotions pass, that it is enough for him. He doesn't ask anything because he knows everything. Although I didn't tell him anything on the fly, those words are enough for him to understand who and what he is referring to, because he knew what decision would be made in a few hours.

Longing, sadness, fear, anger and fading love.

It will all go away, and all that will remain is hatred, because a broken heart cannot be glued together, it cannot be mended, it will never knit together, it will never be pristine again. There will always be at least one scar left on him that will change my attitude towards people.

"He left me. He abandoned me, he abandoned us, because he decided to leave." I whisper as the boy pulls me close and hugs me. I do not reciprocate it. I stand like a peg with my arms down along my body, because my thoughts are far away from here. In my mind I beg that no one should touch me again, because suddenly the closeness hurts my body. "And I couldn't do anything, because I promised him that whatever he decided, I would respect it." I add with pain. He wouldn't be happy if he stayed for my sake. And I couldn't pretend that everything is ok, knowing what I did, so I put him above my feelings and it's not easy.

Because I hoped that he loved me enough to stay.

My heart is just breaking into millions of little pieces, like a glass.