I'M MAKING MY WAY HOME | LESTAPPEN

Chapter Three

Did he ever hit him?
3. Chapter Three

Charles

I've been stirring my tea for fifteen minutes now. I'm sitting in our café, feeling so damn empty. This trip took everything away from me, even though I thought it was the best decision of my life. I had the perfect life, and yet I found that something was missing, and this trip would help me find the missing piece. It turned out that I understood what, or rather who, he was when I lost him. The only people I have left are my family and Carlos, with whom I definitely have a better relationship now.

"I think you mixed the sugar a long time ago." I suddenly hear the voice of the aforementioned colleague. I lift my gaze to him, not hiding my despondency. I wish I could turn back time. "What's up?" he adds. "Fuck, don't say that when you saw it, you started to regret it. After all, you were so happy." He crinkles his eyebrows, looking at me carefully.

"I..." I interrupt, letting go of the spoon.

"Fuck, Charles." he interrupts me brokenly. He leans back against the chair, looking in my direction. Suddenly he wipes his face with his hands and sighs loudly. "Don't do that to yourself." he adds quietly, as if asking.

"What if it's too late?" I clench my jaws, looking away. It's hard for me to look at him, because I have the feeling that I've let him down.

"Hey, Charles." I glance at him again. "I'm not angry, I won't judge you, I won't shout and I won't run away, do you understand? I want the best for you, but I don't know your heart, I don't know what you're thinking, so you have to be honest with me so I can help. Will you tell me how you feel?"

What I feel.

I feel emptiness. I have been feeling emptiness, lack, despair for three years. I regret my decision more and more every day, and I hate myself more and more for leaving him for this sport. I also hate myself for letting them all go from my life. I can't look in the mirror because I want to cry that I lost the people important to me overnight. I want to run away, and I can't, because the voices make me realize that I hurt them all, while I myself pretended that nothing happened. I've been waspish, closed off and pretended to be someone I never am and never will be.

And now?

Now I feel that everything is coming back. I met him and everything hit with such force that the barriers I tried to put up over the years to separate myself from the world collapsed. Now I feel alive again, that I have a heart, emotions and am myself. I don't have to pretend, because even though he doesn't want to know me, I already feel freed from evil. Suddenly the voices have fled, what's left is a pleasant silence and a heart that cries words I don't want to hear, but I can't run away again. I can't miss the opportunity, because I know that if I don't try, I'll never be happy again.

"I want him back." I say quietly. It costs me a lot to say these words. Each one hurts my lips, because they are like daggers that cut through my lips.

But what hurts me even more is that I am well aware that my cravings will remain cravings. I can't suddenly go and say that I want him in my life after the way I treated him badly. I can't demand that he forgive me, because I know that if I were him, I would have killed myself long ago if only for the fact that I came back and don't stay away.

"Then do it, Charles. You managed to break your hatred of each other once, so you will succeed the second time too."

He smiles comfortingly. I'm glad I at least have him. I appreciate how much he helped me during all those days when I was left alone. Without him, I don't know if I would have been able to stay myself. I don't know if I would go back. I don't know who or what I would have been with.