"I think I've come to terms with the fact that there will always be a ribbon of loneliness running through who I am." Jenny Slate, Little Weirds-
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The same pregnant woman I saw at the restaurant looks at my tearstained face with concern.
Jisung is holding my hand tightly.
I asked him not to let go.
He's happy to do so, squeezing my hand reassuringly from time to time and showing me a smile that holds my entire world, gazing at me, eyes filled with the love we had for each other when we were kids.
When I have to get in his mother's car, I can't do it. I'm a mess, a weakling. I don't want Haneul to have this image of me as his last one. I'm not ready for this, I'm not ready at all.
I freeze, staring at the black vehicle in front of me, eyes brimming with terror. My heart is racing and my breathing is laboured.
Jisung turns me around and hugs me tightly. "You're gonna be fine." he whispers to my ear.
I try to calm down, to control my inhales and exhales so that they're not as erratic. Jisung's hands rubbing my back and my head help ease the throbbing in my chest and manage to get me into the car.
I thought he was going to sit next to his mother, but instead, Jisung leaves that spot empty and places his weight next to me, leaning into my personal space as much as he can to ground me, keep me here and out of my anxiety-filled mind.
He leans his head to rest on my shoulder, plays with our fingers, tangles and untangles them with his own rhythm, kisses the back of my hand and sometimes even my cheek, that's blushing with a fierce reddish color in less than five minutes. My ears burn and my heart does flips inside my chest.
Jisung speaks with his mother whilst doing all these little things, but I can't focus on what they're saying. My mind is in overdrive and I'm trying my best to keep my brain concentrated in the way Jisung's skin feels against mine as to not spiral like before and become a puddle of anxiety.
I barely register getting to the orphanage, barely hear Jisung's mother say how she'll be waiting at the door until we arrive.
The brunette rings the bell of the big building and one of the caretakers opens, immediately setting her eyes on me. "Minho?"
Her voice has worry lacing through it. Jisung speaks for me. "Can we see Haneul?" he asks. The woman hesitantly nods her head and lets us step inside. She knows me, has seen me work around here, so her hesitancy must have come from Jisung's unknown presence.
I don't care.
I storm inside the orphanage, hand tightly clasping Jisung's as I walk through the well-known corridors until we reach the boys' rooms, where Haneul must be.
