letter to heaven

3am

Me again dad, how ya doing? I miss you something fierce. I think ma and Jon are gonna break up soon dad, while I've been thinking and planning for it as best as I could but at the same time I don't want to lose him. I do love him I just wish he would get help and get on meds. He hurt Jakers again dad. I need you here with me to help me dad. You weren't supposed to be gone yet you've missed more of my life than you got to be a part of. I'm honestly really scared dad Jon's unpredictable and his mood changes so quickly that you don't even have enough time to realize it before he snaps. I know it's been hard on him but does he think things haven't been hard for me does he not realize I didn't need him putting me down all the time I do that enough on my own. It's hard for me to be a full time stay at home mom especially since I want to work but can't find a job and he keeps going back on his word and never takes me to get applications and won't take me to interviews I have scheduled. He doesn't act like a dad at all honestly, he thinks all he needs to do to be a good dad is buy the bare minimum of basics for our child while he shows a clear favorite when his daughter with his ex is around because she's a normal kid. Sometimes I wonder if all his anger is because he blames me for jacob having delays and disabilities. Dad I'm so tired not just like sleepy tired but emotionally spiritually and mentally I'm tired. I'd have thrown in the towel if I didn't have my babies depending on me I still don't understand how you were able to just leave me on this earth when I needed you because as a mom I couldn't ever do that to my boys. I can't sleep my nerves are too fried right now after 2 days of Jon trying to fight with me, he thinks he won because I decided to say in want going to fight or argue but I just want in the mood and trying to avoid it so obviously that just means to him he was right and I wouldn't admit it, couldn't be farther from the truth tho