How did we get here?

Autism

Autism is very fundamental to what makes me up, so starting with it is only logical. It almost feels wrong to start these 6 chapters by talking about it because I very rarely make it part of my identity, but I also know that it affects me a lot and I can't really ignore it. Take this as starting with the basics while also kinda getting it out of the way. I know I can't get around mentioning having autism anyway. It's literally part of my brain's DNA. The reason that I want to ignore it so badly is because I pretty much always do. No, I'm not really ashamed of it. Having autism just messes with my identity a bit. It's definitely not something to be proud of, that is.

See, the thing is that people are always trying to figure out what they associate you with. For most people, that would be a clique or a hobby. The same can be said about me if I act like everyone else and blend in perfectly. However, mentioning that I have autism at really any point gives people something to latch onto in that sense. We define each other in these groups and consider our stereotypes with those groups because it's easier than starting from scratch. I have no problem with human nature, but I do have to work around it a bit. Sure, I'm aware that I may not always sound or even look natural in my mannerisms, but damnit, I feel like I'm a bit more than that. Why would I ask to be associated with something that I don't even like? I see people who go all "Yeah! Autistic pride!" or whatever, and I don't get the appeal. Do other autistic people lack so much of an identity that they feel a sense of accomplishment to be identified with something that negatively affects them so much? I'm sorry if that comes off as insulting, but I am my own person far beyond any mental disorder that I was born with. All this talk about "different ability" and "superpower autism" just seems insulting to me. I didn't ask for this, and I sure as hell don't like having it, so I'm not too keen on being proud of it and making it my identity.

Sometimes, I wonder if these things are worth writing out. It seems like grounds for people to get offended. Arguably, you could re-apply that logic to any type of pride. Am I against gay pride too because people didn't choose to be gay? I'm not gay, so let people enjoy things, but I can only discuss it with those similar to me who make different choices. I did not ask or choose to be autistic. I was born with it. I'm already not too happy about that, and anyone who claims autism is a PERK is just lying to themselves. It's just a thing that occasionally negatively affects me, and that's it. I can be more than any silly autism, and it bothers me that people may always associate it with me if I dare so much as to mention that I have it. If I become a self-made billionaire one day, then I don't want to be "The Autistic Self-Made Billionaire!" Not only this, but the never-ending stigma around being autistic just leads people to blame things on it on YOUR behalf. Oh, he worded this in a condescending way? He's just being a bit autistic. Dare I ever show a strong emotion without the stigma being attached to it?

So, no, I don't usually talk about having autism. It exists, I don't like it, nobody really likes it, so let's just leave it as a last thought. Since I am writing about myself, though, I should talk about it a little bit. It's probably worth explaining WHY I don't like it. We live in a world where people are faking mental disorders for clout without truly weighing the negative consequences of what having those disorders would actually be like, and said consequences aren't actually talked about a lot it seems, so I'll volunteer to describe it from the view of someone good at describing things. There are honestly a lot of bad things, so I have to keep my view condensed. At one point, I even thought about making a top 5 list, and I'm pretty sure I had one in my mind that was fully completed, but I didn't write it down and don't really remember it, so I'll just jot some things from my memory.

At its core, autism has to do with how your brain processes stimuli. I haven't done any research on this and I am not a doctor, but I think that's how it works. Pretty much every symptom of autism could be attributed to that in some way, so it's my best bet. The most clear-cut example of this would be stimming (literally named after stimuli). Stimming sucks. It's socially embarrassing, and I have accidentally hurt myself through stimming on a double-digits amount of occasions. I suspect that autism may cause the brain to have trouble when taking in stimuli just mentally which may be a cause of stimming (Again, I have done no research on this). When I'm trying to process something without stimming at least a bit, it's like my brain just isn't working. I swear that I think more efficiently when I'm alone in my room and pacing. It's like any time I shake my hands or kick my leg, I can feel stimuli just flowing through my brain. Call that witchcraft, if you will. I remember in American Government, when we wrote our mini-essays for our tests and I would get extremely focused and efficient, I'd subconsciously start swinging my leg too. If I noticed and/or tried to stop, it's like my thoughts stopped too. Stimming might not sound that bad, but I swear it's like a cartoonishly evil curse to live with. "You shall not be able to think if you aren't doing a little dance!," said the evil wizard. If I get excited or hyped in any way, I tend to jump up and swing my arms a bit, sometimes even pounding my chest. You don't even want to see me listening to music alone, taking in all of THAT stimuli.

Emotions are also commonly associated with autism too. For me, they're lesser, but I won't lie about feeling like I have to suppress emotions sometimes. I wasn't always doing that, of course, but it's definitely a behavior I learned due to social embarrassment. There's stigma that I have to fight with being a "man" and showing any emotions, and autism doesn't exactly work well with that fight. It's almost sad to say that it's become pretty subconscious behavior for me to notice when I feel a strong emotion (positive or negative) and just instantly cool that down, but that's just how I've made myself. I also suspect that the strong emotions are because the brain is loving that stimuli, but I digress. I used to be much more emotional. It's one of those things that counteract who I am nowadays. Hell, I'm man enough to admit that I've cried in school before. No, I'm not much of a crier nowadays. Though, I still deal with a lot of anger. I've gotten REALLY good at pushing that anger to the back of my brain and keeping my cool, but if I really get pushed, that long fuse leads to a big bomb. Anger issues alone can probably be chalked up as a top 3 worst part of having autism because it's also just really socially embarrassing, and it doesn't feel too great in the moment either. I really feel when I see someone else get upset because as annoying or silly as it seems, I've been in that place of extreme anger, and I really get how much it sucks. I have done plenty of regrettable things out of anger. I'd consider it worse than stimming, anyway.

However, easily the worst part of having autism are the sensory issues that come with it. I can attribute so many problems in my life to my sensory issues. My skin is sensitive in a literal sense, not a metaphorical one. I've been averse to touch in general throughout my life. Do you know how crazy you sound when you say that you don't like hugs? Certain textures have been unpleasant for me throughout my life. In particular, my heels have always been sensitive which led to me hating the feeling of them on the ground when I was younger. I started walking on my toes more and I messed up my feet horribly. I had to do 7 years of physical therapy to undo that mess, and it was all caused by sensory issues. Although it's a slightly embarrassing thing for me to admit, I also have a developed disorder called trichotillomania that causes me to pull out my hair. I started it when I was 12 because my eyelashes being on my eyelids bothered me... likely also due to my sensory issues. I still do it, but earlier this year, I went a clean month without pulling any hair, so I'm almost out, but damn, sometimes my only question regarding it is "Why me?" because an addictive disorder that basically came from genetics feels like a pretty bad draw in life. It's hard to describe trichotillomania because it's very private and very hard to grasp for a lot of people, but that's just how addictive disorder go. In general, having a genetic displeasure towards random textures and even SOUND when I was younger has easily been the worst part of all of this.

There are other things that people would argue are worse such as social issues with tone (which I used to struggle with, but don't because it's a learnable ability) and having hyperfixations also known as "special interests" (I hate that term with every vessel in my body. It sounds incredibly stupid.) Both of these things can suck, but I've learned to work around them fairly well at least in my opinion. Hyperfixations are really only annoying when you annoy someone else by talking about them, anyway, so that's at worst, a flaw of your character. I really do hate how people in the "autism community" tend to disagree so much, though. In theory, we should all be able to agree that this disorder sucks, but we can live around it, but no. One thing that an autistic person will likely never tell you (even if they happen to be aware of it) is that a lot of us are hardcore attention seekers. That may sound like an insult too, and maybe it is more than the last one, but I can't deny it. I've done it a fair amount of times through my life too because that stimuli from attention gets pretty addicting. People who claim that autism is just the worst thing ever and that they're some warrior for living with it are likely also attention seekers. We're fully aware that people glorify mental disorders sometimes and will pity those who have them, so if the ultimate goal is to get attention, then abusing that is a pretty effective way. Honestly, it may just be a conspiracy on my half to claim that, but if you've ever seen some of the stuff that autistic little kids do when they aren't given attention, you may be more inclined to believe me.

Really, though, I can only talk about autism for so long, so I'm gonna move away a tidbit and talk about something a bit more exclusive to me: Applied Behavior Analysis therapy. More commonly referred to as ABA, it's basically therapy to make autistic people less autistic. I took ABA for 4 1/2 years and... eh. There were ups and downs, but I remember a lot more downs. ABA does a lot of compliance training which didn't really work for me since I'm me (argumentative). I could sit here and gripe on ABA hard, but it's kinda like COVID in the sense where it may have lasted a long time, but it's whatever now. I have no idea how ABA affects young children because I was 11 (almost 12) when I started, but a lot of the techniques that they used which were built for nonsensical young children weren't replicable for me, so they were pretty much going in blind every time they had me in the clinic. Actually... I do kind of hate that I did ABA. It just wasn't really made for someone that old, and the only positive things that I took from it weren't even related to me being autistic, so it's really not that great. I had one experience where I got into a bit of a disagreement with the Behavioral Therapists there, and instead of talking to me like a normal person, one of the floor supervisors decided the best solution was to PHYSCIALLY pressure me into complying by trying to invade my personal space and touch me... when I was 13. That's a bit of a bomb to drop so casually, but like I said, I don't care anymore. I definitely still hate that guy, though, and I'll never really forgive him for that. ABA sucks, losers! 4 years just wasted away...

When I say that autism is a major part of who I am, I mean that, but that's just because many things involving it have affected me largely and the fact that there are certain traits which will never truly go away. Me being autistic represents nothing more than a side of me, ultimately, and I take that belief to my grave. Autism is a spectrum, and I am only one person that has it, but I think I offer a lot with my perspective. I am someone who chooses not to let it affect me too heavily without acting like a warrior for doing so. Isn't that the best message to send to a kid who feels trapped with it? Some silly disorder that you were born with doesn't define you. Yes, it may always be with you, but Stephen Hawking isn't just seen as the guy with ALS. Your outside is only an entryway to the amazing things that make you up. You may remember a house for a door that you went through ten thousand times, but you would've never remembered the house if it wasn't for the amazing things inside. How's that for an inspiring story?