How did we get here?

Start in the Middle

This is where my life truly began. Yes, I know that I said I have memories dating back to 1st grade, but I consider those 5 years to be my expedition. When I was 11, it was the summer of 2017, and after fighting with my mom by kicking the car seat, we hopped into our minivan and drove to Fort Carson, Colorado by requirement of the U.S military. Everything from my past was about to be left behind in search of a new journey in a new place... and I hated it.You really couldn't ask for a greater reset short of leaving the entire country, but as much as I hated leaving everything in Texas behind, I wasn't openly admitting at the time that the new prospects of being in Colorado were slightly exciting to me. I was going to start middle school that year, like, isn't this so sick? Me against the world, and I had 4 feet of fury and not much understanding of anything but math and Super Mario games. Colorado had snow, damnit. Prospects of living here were still high even if I wasn't ready for the change. Bring it on, world!Now, I've already mentioned that I was completely wrong about this and unprepared for this new living space, but I promise that I wasn't a total failure. I had goals in life! I was still as gifted as ever and if nothing else, my parents still thought I was cool. Really, if I had to make a roadmap of my life, then I'd probably start right at the beginning of 6th grade. Everything before then is kind of a blur. 6th grade was a reset of everything that I had known, but what I wasn't expecting was that it would not be the only reset.

I hit ground zero so many times in the last 6 years. There were points where I thought that I had my life on lock, and then I'd give up on it, and it would be like that thing never happened. I reckon that what I describe here is not a unique experience. In fact, in retrospect, it wasn't even a bad one because I believe that learning something new is rarely a waste of time. Let me just make it clear, though, that I am a survivor... of my middle school years. There were so many points where I felt like I had made no progress in life, and I still have those points sometimes, to be honest. It's a kind of feeling where I ask: Am I actually in a different position now than I was a year ago, or have I just fooled myself into liking it more? Being that same, fundamental person sometimes makes you wonder if you've changed because everything still functions the same on the inside, but things only seem to be different on the outside. Was I really all that different in middle school?

Prospect number one started in Texas and was meant to continue in Colorado: I wanted to join the soccer team. After that reality check that I talked about earlier, I didn't have much else going for me, so this was a pretty heavily-prioritized goal. Unfortunately, despite a few years of soccer, I wasn't actually any good at the sport. It was a fine year of soccer, but ultimately, I didn't actually like it that much. Oh, sure, I enjoy playing soccer, but one thing that I know about myself is that I tend to just want to play and never practice. I only really enjoyed soccer when we went to games on the weekends, and not so much when we had to run drills after school for half the week. How basic of a nerd like me to want to only play soccer and not practice it. We had a good season where I absolutely sucked, I got a nice little paper award saying that I did it, and I left that year ready to go at it again next year. Yet, when next year came and I was strapping on my shin guards, I felt a deep sense of uncertainty about all of it. I went to practice and didn't enjoy it all that much. Then, I got home, I went to my room, and I cried. It's not something that I do very often, but I guess the stress of having to do that all season really got to me. I told my mom that I wasn't so sure about soccer anymore, and she actually let me quit on the condition of me having to go and tell the coach myself that I would be quitting. Well, I did, but I actually lied and told her that it was a scheduling conflict (not my exact words), so it all kind of worked out...? Regardless, I started 7th grade without this prospect and back to ground zero. Hoo-ray.

Nobody actually liked 7th grade, so I'm going to delay talking about it for as long as possible. Instead, I'll tell you about Alex Roland. I met Alex from the soccer team, but we didn't really get to know each other until... some kind of school free-roam event. I don't remember exactly what it was, but we played a game of chess while we were there, and having our prior history with soccer, there were definitely grounds for us to become friends. We began talking during classes we had together and we exchanged numbers during some kind of school history fair that we both did. Then, as all good friendships go, we found out that we both played Roblox. The rest is history. Prospect number two has arrived as I've finally made my first friend! Sometimes, all you need in a friendship is nerdiness, memes, and Roblox anyway. For the better part of 2 years, that was pretty much all that we had. We would call on the weekends and play Roblox together. He even came to my 12th birthday party as the sole guest, so that's how you knew we were tight.