FAR FROM ERIS • FreenBecky •

FORTY - EIGHT

Rebecca. Becky. Bec.

Everyone talked to her, everyone referred to her. Curious, considering that most of her life had been spent in darkness. Becky, with her impulsive nature and her inability to follow the rules - or at least that's what her mother said - had never found it easy to make friends. She had always felt more comfortable with adults, and for her,  high school was just a formality she was emotionally disconnected from.

But that day, in that place, everyone approached her. Although no one actually crossed that curtain of water that separated her from the rest of the world. It had rained for seven days, with its seven nights. As if the universe were crying with her. The umbrella covered her head and shoulders, but her boots were splattered with the mud from that cemetery.

Her father had left; he didn't even hesitate to leave once the funeral was over. Becky sometimes wondered how someone could detach themselves so much from their own mother. Especially from someone like her grandmother. Because Becky had no relationship with her own mother, but her grandmother wasn't just anyone; she was an exceptional human being.

Since her best friend died two years ago, her grandmother rarely left the house. She quit her book club, abandoned her garden, and routine settled into that house near the river. Becky moved in permanently with her when that happened. She couldn't bear to see her so alone, and Patty's absence had left a black hole in her heart that she tried to fill; but she always knew that without Patty, it was only a matter of time before her grandmother faded away. And she watched her slowly  disappearing in that giant house filled with sadness.

Becky didn't want to be angry with her grandmother for leaving. She didn't want to be angry with Patty for dying and leaving her alone. How could she feel that way? How could you get mad at someone for dying? And yet that feeling consumed her completely. In every corner of her body the pain and anger burned painfuly, and now, for the first time, she had no one to tell it to.

The river sounded so loud it seemed as if it were screaming at her as she entered that bridge. It was cold, and the wind that rose from the fierce current that crossed those irons was icy. It wasn't the first time she had crossed it, and it wasn't the first time she had wondered what it would be like to let herself fall and stop feeling. For several years that idea had been in her head, but she could never have done that to her grandmother. Now she was gone, so Becky found no reason not to let that thought overwhelm her completely.

She swung both legs over the railing and settled for a few seconds with her gaze lost on the horizon. Her hair moved with the fierceness of the river, and she could practically feel the vibrations of the iron beneath her body. It was so simple, she just had to loosen her grip and let herself fall and it would all be over. Her hands began to relax and her eyes closed, she was ready to put an end to it all, when a blast startled her and forced her to grip the metal railing again. A light bulb from one of the bridge lamps had exploded.

Becky breathed, and for a few seconds she tried to regain the calm that unexpected noise had taken away. But the silence didn't last long, because seemingly out of nowhere, a girl's voice hit her back.

-Hel... Hello, good evening,- Becky didn't react. -Are you okay?- All she could think about was that she needed that girl to go away. -Um... hello?- She felt the girl approaching slowly and her body made an involuntary movement. -Sorry, I don't want to bother you, but I saw you here and I don't know, is something wrong? Do you need help?-

Becky was disconnected from reality. She heard the voice of that girl talking about eating pizza, but none of it really interested her. In her head, only the thought revolved around whether someone might miss her when she disappeared. Without Patty and without her grandmother in the world, the chances of someone mourning her loss were practically null. She never thought her parents would miss her particularly. Yes, they would probably shed some tears, but most likely they would do it to fit the image of tortured parents. She found it amusing to think about that, to think about how they had never taken charge of her emotions, but they would be the first to cry at the funeral.

-This river is beautiful,- she said suddenly after a rather long pause. -You know, sometimes I think about how the water that passes through here is never the same but at the same time it is. I mean, it comes, it flows, and it goes to the sea, and then it evaporates, rains, and who knows, maybe it comes back through here. Although I guess it would be too much of a coincidence for that cloud to come and unload right here with all the wind that must be up there- she looked up at the sky where some stars could be guessed, survivors of light pollution. -But, what if it came back here again? Do you think it would remember? Do you think it would say oh, I've already seen this bridge? These faces?- she paused. -Do you think it would remember me?-

Becky tried to find the words to explain that her life had consisted of a series of cyclical forgettings. Friends she had never made, parents who had never supported her, farewells that had broken her heart. But she knew she could never make Freen, that girl who seemed so kind and willing to help her, understand. The shirt she had lent her had really comforted her, and she watched it flutter in the wind while Freen talked in the background, telling her that the river would indeed wonder who the girl who watched it so much was.

-At least someone will- she thought before answering her. -Yes... It will wonder- she said in a whisper. She knew the conversation had come to an end.

-Come on, let's go, the pizza offer still stands- she heard Freen say. But Becky knew she wouldn't leave that bridge on foot.

-I hope you get your shirt back- she said, glancing briefly at the girl to put a face to her before the end. -Thank you, Freen, it's been nice talking to you.-

-Wait, what—

Becky let go of her hands and let herself fall. She would have liked to explain to Freen that none of it was her fault, that it wasn't her job to save her that night because there really was nothing that could be saved by then. She would have liked to tell her that she appreciated her time, her intention, her tenderness, and her sincerity. That thanks to her, her last few minutes had been pleasant, and that maybe in another life or another world they could have gone for that pizza, become friends, or maybe something more if she hadn't been so broken, if she hadn't wished with all her heart to end everything. She wished she could have told her that she wished she hadn't crossed the bridge that night to not force her to witness that. That she wished she had just passed by so she wouldn't have to live remembering that girl who jumped from the Eris bridge, and she desperately wished life would give her the chance to forgive herself for how guilty she would feel. She wished she could split herself, to disappear and at the same time make sure she didn't suffer. She wished she could have been a better version of herself, for her. She wished it wouldn't hurt forever.

She wished Freen would be happy

**