Does Senpai like chocolate ?

A Cup Filled With Love

HAUKI'S POV :

The pink cherry blossom petals floated around in the air as the wind danced with them daintily.
From where I was sitting they looked like tiny pink boats in the expansive sea that was the sky.

There was a green lake in front the log that I sat on .... a lake that held the memories of several summers in Japan and several heartbreaks that had made me who I am now.

I thought of my mother and my eyes became teary, I thought of my brother and I became insecure, but when I thought of Kiara I felt empty like there was a new found hole in my chest where my heart once was.

" Haruki, you wanna go for a ride." Ayame's voice rescued me from being swallowed whole by emptiness.

I turned my head to face her , still sitting on the log. I squinted my eyes at the bright ball of light that was the sun.

She was just standing behind me with her bike , wearing a green sweater and white shorts that was paired with dirty white sneakers that seemed to be turning brown and the colors around me popped as the sun set and for a moment I felt like I was in a Ghibli animation.
Except I wasn't. Actually I was in a world of misery that was nothing like a show made for kids with bright futures and innocent childhoods.

"Yes, of course!" I answered cheerily, a little smile found its way into my lips and I got up off the log that was perfectly perched by the side of the river.

I walked up to her, taking her bike into my hand and without a word we headed off to my house. We walked slowly down the road as I carried her bike with me. It was a very windy day and our hair could not resist the strong persistent wind.

We had a long road ahead of us surrounded by bright green trees and the allure of mother nature.

" Did you tell your father ? " Ayame said , completely destroying the silence that existed all around us .

I felt the hole of emptiness opening up inside me again. Memories of my father fighting with my mother flashed into my mind.

There was some argument about a black child that my mother loved dearly and my father wanted nothing to do with the child. It wasn't a good memory.

" Tell him what ?" I asked genuinely confused.

"That you finally saw a Black girl ! " Ayame smiled brightly at me, but I didn't smile back.

There it was again. The feeling of a hole forming in my chest, an empty space where it hurt so much that I just became numb.

"It's not a big deal. And besides Dad has more important things to focus on than any of my experiences and interests." 

I became defensive, I wanted the conversation to end and I didn't want to talk about my father, especially not now.

" So you are interested in her !" Ayame said , then she stopped walking completely.

"I knew something was different about you." She added with a smirk.

" Can you chill. I don't even know her. Maybe we shouldn't go out for a ride today." I stated sadly and suddenly , feeling more annoyed and irritated than usual.

I dropped the bike suddenly and ran off and raindrops started falling out of the sky as if they were summoned by my sadness.

" Haruki ! Haruki ? Where are you going ? " Ayame called after me but I was too busy running away from everything that she had said and everything that kept me up at night.
I ran away so she wouldn't see that I was actually crying.

I left to keep my pride in tact and to protect myself from the shame.

The sky was blue, purple and pink with a bit orange where the sun was setting . A mixture of colors that seem painted into the scenery .

Since I kept my head down, I could only see it through the reflection in the puddles that were now forming from the rain falling into little cracks in the road.

I went straight home. Our house was like a little brown cabin in the woods, surrounded by trees , and the small creatures that lived in the forest. When I got there , no one was home so I went straight to my bedroom and locked myself inside. Dad wasn't home and Mom had died four years ago. She didn't get to meet the first Black girl I saw and she didn't get to see the light that fluttered into my eyes whenever I looked at Kiara.

Mom had told us a Fantasy of a Beautiful Black Fairy but I knew that a real Black girl wasn't my fantasy and her darkskin didn't mean my wishes were going to be granted.

So yes I could tell the difference between a Fictional Black Girl and one in reality but my problem is somehow when I looked at Kiara I couldn't tell if I was dreaming or awake .

I couldn't tell if she was a superior being or merely human just like me.

She was too good to be true and she seemed like so much more than just a girl.

It hurt me because my father was racist and he was never going to change, but my mother was dumb enough to teach me to love Black women even though she knew that my father was a racist.

She was surely setting me up for failure, she was setting me up to be shunned by the part of the world that I looked most like.

The part of the world that gave me my pale skin and bright eyes.

She was setting me up to put my father to shame and he couldn't forgive her for that and a part of me couldn''t forgive her for that.
Now I was destined to be at war with my father which means I was destined to become my mother.

A fragile cup , filled to the brim with love , running over for everyone else and not enough left for herself.

I stood there in my messy room that was filled with posters, and game cards. I sat down on the bed, slowly curling up into a ball, weeping and hoping that I didn't need to get too close to Kiara just to protect her. Hoping that Kiara wouldn't need me in any way.

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Author's Note

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