The Reclamation

18

Nick is sitting in a booth at the local Starbucks when I come sprinting in. His head is leaning back against the wall behind him, his eyes closed and arms crossed, a hot coffee cup sitting in front of him with the lid off and his garbage stuffed in the top. He's finished his entire coffee and snack already. That isn't a good sign.

I stop three feet from him, unable to make myself sit down, or even utter a word. Before I can regain my composure, though, Nick cracks one eye open. He gazes lazily at me, but he doesn't move. A few seconds go by that feel like a life time. Finally, my body goes on autopilot, as if my spinal cord suddenly realized how dumb I look just standing here. My body sinks into the chair across from him and words begin to spill out faster than my lips can catch them.

"Nick I'm so sorry I'm late! I did something so incredibly stupid today and got in a lot of trouble and I have to sort a bunch of stuff out- but that's besides the point and I can tell you everything later but I'm sorry, I really have no excuse for keeping you waiting. I really, really want to try to fix this though," I feel my eyes sting as I catch my breath, the words finally slowing down to a trickle. "I miss you so much Nick. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm ready to have a real conversation now."

Nick, who hasn't moved since I walked in the door, finally sits up. His arms fall to the side, he tilts his head down, and looks me dead in the eye. "I'm listening."

His stare feels like a tractor beam pulling my thoughts away from me. I have to avert my eyes to remember what I had been running through in my head all day. I stare down at his coffee cup. I remember when I used to grab Starbucks before school with Nick. He always ordered a hot caramel macchiato, even if it was 80° outside. It used to drive me nuts how he could burn his mouth on scalding hot coffee while the sun roasted him alive, but every time he would complain about how hot he was as if he hadn't just done it to himself. My eyes narrow in on the sticker that says "Gr Carml Macch", and I feel myself crack a smile.

"Uh," I clear my throat and realign my thoughts, "Well, I haven't been doing very well, Nick. Ever since... the shooting... I've been really messed up. Only I hadn't really realized it until now. After it happened I wasn't feeling much of anything, and I thought that meant I was okay. But now I know that means I was far from it. I was ignoring the issue and my feelings and trying to move on without actually processing anything. And I realized that I wasn't feeling anything after that. No happiness, no sadness, or anger... no fear. So I started trying to make myself feel something. I hit a really low point recently and I think that was my wake up call. But I've been going to therapy, and I've been reaching out to my family, and it's been helping. I've also had Mia with me through a lot of it..." Nick inhales sharply at the mention of Mia, so I look up. His eyes changed ever so slightly- almost imperceptibly- but I catch it. I know Nick. I know he's skeptical about Mia.

"Nick... Mia has really been there for me. She's been the one getting me through all of this. I know it didn't start off as a healthy relationship... we were just trauma bonded. But the more I heal from this, the more I realize that I want her in my life." I see him ease up. Finally, he opens his mouth to respond. It's his turn to stare at the empty coffee cup.

"Okay. But what about us? What even happened between us?" I take a big breath through my nose as I think of a way to explain myself.

"We processed in completely different ways," I say, "you needed to take action, I needed to recognize and accept my fear. And that's totally okay. And Nick, I'm so proud of everything you've done for our community. You're truly an inspiration and I hope you know I support your work one hundred percent. That just... wasn't how I deal with shit. I was trying to keep up with you when I was, like, twenty steps behind." He simply nodded. "I'm working on it. I really am. So I'm really sorry for getting mad at you for telling my parents when you didn't know where I was, my anger was totally displaced. You were making sure I was okay, I know that now. In the future, I'll stop jumping to conclusions and try to accept the love and help that people are offering me," I say, feeling my cheeks get warm. It sounds stupid when I say it now. But I take a deep breath and continue on to the last part: the future.