Mist | Scaramouche x Reader

Mist |Chapter 11

I finished taking the staar test(this was before I published it), it was so confusing like what was that. I hope you guys did good though, enjoy the chapter!

Readers POV
"It has been a long time, hasn't it. I'm sorry if I haven't been in contact with you and Ei for the past year. I have been busy, but I should have tried to contact you sooner."
"Don't be ridiculous. We know you're busy with your job and saving the worlds. How have you been by the way? Are you feeling better from last time, or are you still recovering?"
"I'm doing so much better, thanks for asking. What about you, Yae Miko and Ei.?"
"I haven't been doing much, but I'm doing well. Thank you for asking anyway, traveler."
"I've also been doing wonderful, I haven't been as busy lately, so I have a lot of time to waste."
"I can tell your happy now, which I'm happy about that. What about you, Raiden Ei?"
"Yeah, I'm also doing well. I have been busy lately with trying to find Scaramouche, but you already know that, don't you?"
"You know that already too, so don't waste your breath on it. I was here to originally take Scaramouche before he discovered most of my past, but I was a bit too late. I thought you guys would at least try to stop him from going through his memories or about his past. There was something's I wanted to protect him from, but I don't think he got to it."
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Scaramouches POV
(Angst)
I don't feel so good. My head is aching and my knees are weak, I can feel my eyes start to blur out from the pain I'm feeling. I don't like it. It feels weird, and I can feel my legs starting to give up. I want to lay down right now and close my eyes, just to never open them again. Why am I suddenly starting to feel my eyes swell up with tears, threatening to drop to the floor. I can feel my throat closing, like if I'm being suffocated by an unknown feeling. Whatever it is, it's starting to get to me. I'm not sure if I'll wake up again, I'm sorry..
I'm truly sorry for all the mistakes I have made, the burdens I gave you, the pain I made you feel, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't as perfect as you thought I was. I just hope that you don't make the same mistake by choosing to have me. I know you created me with purpose, a plan, a path that truly gave me a purpose at life. Yet, I failed at that. I failed to make you feel proud, I failed to not be the one to make you feel proud. I ruined everything, and I'm sorry for doing this to you. I'm sorry if I wasn't the one to make you smile, and brag to the other people around you about how amazing I am. I'm not amazing. I'm not, and I will never be perfect. That's the sad gut-wrenching truth. Me. I'm that feeling nobody wants to feel, that food item that nobody wants to buy, the candy that everybody hates, the one who is always left in the corner. Even if somebody decides to give me a chance, they'll end up regretting it so much. If I manage to take a final breath, one last glimpse of everything I have ever seen or achieved, it would be nothing. I gave humanity a chance, an opportunity to change my mind. Because, nothing is ever worse than me. It just wasn't possible. And it isn't. I thought that maybe, maybe if I was a bit more colder, less social, then I could have been liked by everybody. I could get respected. No, that was the mistake I made. I was the mistake. The line you try to erase, but it just won't come off. It ruins the whole entire drawing, or paper. That's what I am. I'm not fixable. I'm not removable. I'm not erasable. I'm the broken mirror everybody thinks is ugly, the house that nobody wants to live in, the clothes nobody buys, the trash that gets thrown away, the items that get burned once they become imperfect.
'That's not true. You're not a mistake. That's what you want to believe, just to protect yourself from reality. Isn't it? It's okay to feel broken, like if you're never meant to be here. What isn't okay, is for you to feel like you need to be hidden away, or thrown away to not be discovered. Everybody is a treasure in disguise, every Diamond needs to be polished to look shiny. You won't be perfect as soon as you get born/created. Even if you are meant to be perfect, nobody will ever be perfect by themselves. Everyone has their flaws, you just have the need to hide them, so that people don't look down on you. It's okay, you can always be open about it, talk to somebody. You can even talk to me if you need to.'
That's where you are wrong. I'm not a treasure. I was already polished, but it wasn't enough. As soon as they discovered I wasn't a true Diamond, they threw me out. Which is why I can't let them see my true self. I cant become attached with people too quickly. Because once they leave it'll hurt to recover. It's worse than death itself, and I know what death feels like. I went through hell at such a young age, i physically couldn't talk until I died. Until then, was I only allowed to speak once again. It hurt. It fucking hurt a lot. I don't need to talk with anybody, I have myself to talk to. Because if I attached to letting my feelings loose, it'll hurt more emotionally and physically. I prefer to bottle it up, and I know it'll end up breaking. It has already broken, it broke multiple times. I just lock myself up and cry. I cry to myself to prevent crying in front of others. Even if it's bad for my mental health, I'll continue to do it. Because that will always be what makes me feel better. Knowing nobody will see me in a weak state, no matter how much I love them. Nobody but me will know how I truly feel, and it will continue to be that way. I tried to open up to people, but all they do is end up laughing at how ridiculous I am. So after that, I gave up. And I'll give up sooner or later. I'll die and I'll live. Live and I'll die. That's how the cycle goes. It repeats itself until the cycle gets broken. Once the cycle gets broken, that's when I will truly start to feel other emotions. You are right. I am protecting myself from the truth. I don't care if it's the wrong thing to do, I'll continue to lie to myself, to make myself believe that it will never be true. That it will never be the case, that I will never have to go through that. Even if I am going through that, I won't care. I don't care now, tomorrow, or in a million years. I will continue to do what I think is right. Whatever I have to do to protect myself from the truth. I don't care. Even if it slowly starts to eat me alive, and I start to feel lost. I'll continue. Because that's what keeps me alive, that's what keeps me going. The reason I don't give up, is because I can't. I can't give up even if I want to. Even if I tell myself I already gave up, I didn't truly give up. I just want to know that I can live with the fact im a quitter. A quitter who's scared of learning the truth. The truth that burns, the truth that will make you want to leave reality, and just float away into your imagination. Where you can imagine a life that you could've of had. Where you can make as many mistakes as you want, because you know it isn't reality. You know that you can keep making decisions that are stupid, and that it won't affect you in your real life. Even if you don't want to admit it, you still make the same mistakes. You'd do it again, over and over, until you realize that you have lost yourself already. That you lost everybody that was ever involved in your life. Until those 7 minutes hit. The last seven minutes you have, the seven minutes that replay your best memories. It would be there, in front of you, mimicking your favorite memories of life. Even if burns, even if it's too much for you to handle, you'd be happy. You'll be relived but also be sad. You would be sad because you can't do the same anymore. But relived because you know that you can live with that happy memory. Knowing that hiding your true self and emotions were the best options. Because at least nobody will feel and try to pamper you with love and respect. I don't like the fact people start treating you with care when they find out the struggles. The pain, the stress you had to go through just to see others smile. Protecting them from the path that you once walked through. Never wanting to shine light on that path, but you know that somebody is going to walk through it again. That somebody will be you. Knowing the consequences, pain, fear, and stress you felt when you were there. You'd still walk there. Knowing the consequences, and truth.

Authors Note:
Hi! I know I haven't updated this in so long, so I decided to update with angst. Can you tell that I was sad while I was writing? I think it was lol. Anyway, don't worry about me or anything. Just enjoy the chapter ;). Happy reading!
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