Tethered Souls | Eren Jaeger

𝟬𝟲 A Colourless Paradise

It had been a week since the incident on the aircraft. The weather was dreary, the blades of soggy grass soaked the bottom of my forest green cape with water. I glanced over at Jean, who was laying down on the other side of Sasha's headstone. It was a plain, rounded slab of stone, just like the other graves nearby, but it was conspicuously well-loved. A crown of clovers adorned the smooth stone, leaving a trace of refreshment to linger in the wind. Her parents and siblings visited regularly, and the many of the scouts of course, placing carefully arranged gifts of honeysuckle bouquets and small portions of meat and vegetables for the wild animals to feast on beside her resting place.

Sasha's death hit me like a slap in the face, but Connie and Jean seemed to be struggling the most. I barely even got the chance to talk to her after I'd been gone for so long. Of course, I carried our time spent together in my heart - I wanted to try my hardest to honour her memory. However, it was straining to focus on much nowadays. My mind was a jumbled mess, with all the cancerous corruption slowly spreading through our military regiments. There had been rumours of people turning on each other, making deals in the dark. But for the time being, Hange advised that we kept our heads down until a proper plan had been devised.

There was somewhat of an unspoken division between Eren and the rest of the scouts. I had to admit, I understood, given the reaction he had to Sasha's death. My body shuddered at the thought of the cruel laugh he let out in response, as if it was all some sick joke. I was hurt and bewildered. Once again, I was certain I was only seeing a small fragment of the bigger picture. I had so many questions about so many things, yet I didn't have the privilege of receiving answers. 

Since that day, Eren had shed his old skin. Every trait he had that previously made him Eren.. was severely distorted or hidden away. This transition must have begun long before he met me at the mental hospital, but I assumed it was just because we were getting older. Levi and Hange detained him shortly after we returned, claiming that they were unaware of large parts of his plan and he shielded important details from them. 

I made an effort convincing Hange to let him out, arguing that I'd supervise him at all times. She took my request so frivolously that I felt like a child again, begging her for pocket money to buy those wooden animal carvings that I loved collecting so much. Beforehand, I knew there was a minuscule chance it would work, but it was worth a try. On my way out, Hange told me that Mikasa had come earlier to plead for the same thing. I was ashamed of the jab of resentment I felt.

Eren stopped caring.. about anyone. Or at least not me. After catching a glimpse of the two children who infiltrated the aircraft, I moved onto the next cell and clutched the metal bars, trying to get him to speak more than a few words. It was like inching closer to a wounded rabbit. His hair was tied back sloppily, he barely moved from his position on the edge of the bed, where he sat for hours. He didn't have a shirt on either. His muscles were completely exposed, tensing and relaxing as if he was trying to suppress himself. I vividly remember the feeling... A sharp strike landing through my heart, piercing it like a poison arrow, when I realised he seemed to be avoiding me. 

Somehow, he had accumulated a worrying amount of supporters among the military police. Even civilians had begun rioting for him to be released. They strongly supported his brutality and involvement with Zeke Jaeger, with the belief that whatever Eren was doing was the only way to save Eldians from further harm. As tears pricked my eyes, I buried my face into my knees and tried to blink them away. I didn't know he had forced the scouts to deviate from whatever their original plan was. I didn't care. I just wanted to believe in him. I want trust him, so badly. But can I? It hurt. A lot. I could safely say the bullet wound hurt less than this.

I had to collect myself and leave the graveyard. It was already late afternoon and I'd done close to nothing all day.

"I'll see you later." I said curtly to Jean, subsequently getting up with a wobble. He mumbled a quick goodbye, putting his hands behind his head and shutting his eyes again. I wrapped my cloak comfortably around me, the airy gust causing the fabric to flail around. 

As I walked alone, my mind tumbled down a cavern of thought. Currently, there was a lot of turbulence in my life. My only worry in the mental hospital was thinking of ways to convince Nurse Helga not to force a pill down my throat. What were those pills even for? They must have been meant for maintaining a tranquil state.

The dream still irked me. Well, after some more thought, I decided to call it a 'premonition'. Because, well, that's more or less what it was. I am not a Titan shifter, and I don't have Royal blood. So how could this be? If I asked Hange about my mother's - her half sister's - bloodline, would she tell me anything of interest?

I knocked on the same door for the second time today with a musical rhythm. 

"Come in." Hange's voice called out cheerfully. 

I stepped inside, shutting the door carefully behind me. She was hunched over her desk, which appeared as if it was about to collapse from all the samples in glass tubes and crystals it held. Her hand trembled as she quickly jotted down an analysis on a blank page of her disorganised Titan science journal, illuminated by the fickle glow of a flickering candle.

The overload of work she had on her shoulders caused me pangs of guilt sometimes. She had always been overwhelmed with responsibility, even from a young age when she was forced to take me in and care for me instead of her sister. But she welcomed me with open arms and I never heard a single complaint.

"Are you busy?" I asked, stepping forward and stealing a curious look at a merlot powder that filled the biggest test tube halfway.

She put her quill down and her chair untucked with a squeak. "Nope! I was about to take a break anyway. There's an anomaly in the results of my experiment I've been trying to figure out for hours now." She sighed in pure exhaustion, but her voice was still upbeat and challenging.

I nodded. "I have a question about my mom," I paused, entirely unsure whether this was a sensitive topic for me to mention. "Did you ever get the chance to meet her mother? My grandma?"

I expected to see at least a small sign of surprise on her face, but she seemed prepared. 

"I've met her mother once, years back..." She trailed off into a lighter tone. "Though I didn't know her very well at all. I do remember one intriguing detail.. She hailed from a very influential Eldian family, the Doette family, if  I recall correctly."

I could tell Hange was engrossed in her thoughts, dissecting anything useful she could remember. She rubbed her eyepatch, then her chin. I wished I could just ask my mother's extended family myself, but the hard task would be finding them. My mom died during my birth, so I never formed any sort of connection with her. My dad had left longer before that.

"Hmmm... Thanks, I guess being at the graveyard made me wonder about my own family tree," I gingerly flashed her a smile, knowing I couldn't do much with the intel. "Have you--"

The door slammed open with great force, causing both of us to turn around.

"Commander! Eren Jaeger has escaped from his underground cell!"