"I wonder" a twisted tale of life.

I wonder.... These words fill my mind constantly never far in the back of my mind.  I wonder where I would be if I never met him, I wonder what it would be like to just leave, I wonder.....

It's been 17 years now, everyday the same, I wonder...   Everyone thinks we have a perfect life, everyone we know has always said "you are so lucky you have the biggest house, the best clothes, best children even the best pets. He gets you anything you want.  If only they knew....

I wonder......  What would it be like if I just kept driving and never came back...

It wasn't always that way, in the first years, I was blinded to what he really was I had an ideal, a knight in shining armour who swept us off our feet and took us on an amazing adventure, looking after us and giving us everything we wanted, only in looking back I see how slowly more and more isolated we became, less and less friends came round or were "forbidden" as they were leading me astray.

I wonder......  What would the children think? Would they blame me?

I grew up in a close knit family seeing each other everyday was normal, when I moved interstate for the first time for work I missed them terribly, I lived 500km away from the nearest town and everything and everyone seemed strange and frightening.  Then I met him and it all seemed to be meant to be.  We dated and when I said that I missed my son and my family he suggested that we move back and live together, it was almost perfect, even though we would be in the next state it seemed closer than I was right then, but I missed my son so much I would do anything to see him again.

I wonder......  What would people say if they knew.I wonder......

So we moved and even though I was away from my family, I had my son and it made it all right.  I also now I had four more children every second weekend and half the holidays and I was in my element, I had always wanted a big family and now I had one, I could ignore the phone calls and threats she sent, I loved my little world and an ex was nothing to worry about I loved my life.

I wonder...

We seemed to be fighting more these days, nothing I did seemed to please him, I knew I couldn't cook or clean very well but I was so tired from looking after the kids.  I always did my best, but it still disappointed him and I couldn't stand it when he sat me down to talk to me about what I needed to improve on, it left me feeling blue for days after, but I knew if I tried really hard to do it all correctly then he would look at me that way and wouldn't go out for the night, I loved it when he stayed home.

I wonder...

I always got a bit lonely at home on the weekends when he went out.  He liked to unwind as he said and it was hard to do that with a whingy child and a nagging girlfriend at home.  I didn't mean to nag, it was lonely here without my family and I didn't know the neighbours very well, I think I overloaded him with talk when he got home and no matter how I tried I couldn't seem to stop.

I mean I was great with the kids they all loved me and I kept the house clean, well almost always clean, he was always letting me know where I had forgotten to clean, no matter how hard I tried I always forgot something, I'm a little forgetful at times, I don't know what I'd do without him to remind me. He helps me so much to better myself I'll get there one day...

I wonder......  How would I pay the bills?

I must have really messed up this time, he packed his things and left, he warned me if I didn't stop messing up he would and now he has. What will I do without him? My son is ok though, I told him he'd had to go away for work and would be back soon but at least he waited till the day after his birthday to go, where is he? Is he ok? What did I do wrong?  I wonder.