NIKKI & JOE, CASUALLY |

37: thinking with your dick (correction: heart)

            There are few sights as sexy as watching Joe grind herself to orgasm on top of me. She massages her breasts under the oversized Frank Ocean tour t-shirt that's been going on and off all day. It's on, currently, which is sad because I can't see but whatever, I've got an active imagination. Besides in this position, I get to enjoy her thighs to my heart's content. The dimples in her cellulite are perfect for my fingers.

'Sorry,' Joe pants though don't stop moving. 'Am I being selfish?'

My hands skate up her bronze stretch marks to her hips before I raise my eyes to meet hers. 'I wouldn't mind you being more selfish.'

'It doesn't bother you?'

'It most certainly don't bother me.'

Which is odd because that's exactly what bothered me about everyone else. But Joe isn't actually selfish even if she keeps calling herself that; she's so considerate that if I let myself think about it, I'll start daydreaming about our wedding. Which is why it's good I've stayed high enough not to be able to think. 

As she continues to ride me, Joe drops a hand between her legs. The only reason I last longer than her is the weed. She stumbles off, still in a haze, and reaches for me but I knock her hand away, so she puddles onto the floor and watches me jerk myself off. It don't take long until I'm slumped beside her.

We catch our breath, evening light and Etta James saturating her living room. Joe probably has better quality bud than what I've ever even been in the presence of. I've been high before, to say the least, but it's never been quite as smooth as this. Unless that's her presence. Which it is not.

Joe has shed layers of anxiety almost as much as we've shed clothes. Like a plant that only needed some dry leaves to be cut away to invigorate with new life, Joe has bloomed into a more vibrant version of herself, which only makes her more irresistible. Though I've not been thinking, obviously. About weddings or tomorrow or how she laughs at her own jokes. The brown of her eyes has melted. I swear they sparkle when they look at me, truly faerie-like.

'Joe–'

'Pause that thought. I have to pee.' She scrambles to her feet. 'I don't want a UTI. I already didn't pee last night and I'm not testing my luck again.'

I exhale a laugh as she scurries to the toilet. Heaving myself upright, I throw away the condom and clean myself, briefly wondering if I should leave again. Though at this point, it would be more rude to disappear without being told to. And I'm not a complete nuisance! I did fix the leaking faucet in her kitchen and adjusted the hinges on her wardrobe so the doors aren't slanted anymore. Both things Joe showered me in far too much gratitude for considering they're basic tasks but maybe she were playing along with the whole porn scenario of it all.

Joe plops onto the graphic rug while I'm tugging my turtleneck over my head. Paired with my boxer briefs, it's an odd outfit but it's not like I planned for my Saturday to go like this. And I learnt after the first two times that getting back into my corduroy trousers is just more trouble than it's worth.

She beams at me, bright and eager. 'All ready for pillow... floor talk now. What were you saying?'

Joe's gaze is like sunlight and it bathes me, makes every corner of my body fertile soil for affection to grow.

'I forgot.'

'Okay well, I had the best idea! It's perfect! This. Us.' Hope skips a beat in my chest and fixates on her. 'You can fix my weird sex phobia and I can help with your issues receiving attention. I have not had any panic attacks at the thought of you touching me so if you do it enough, I'll finally become normal again. And in return, you can practice dates with me so you won't run away the second someone asks you a question with genuine interest.'

Us. Joe called us an "us". There's an "us".

And she thinks it's perfect.

Several seconds of my insides melting away later, my brain finally processes the rest of her excited ramble. This is practice so we'll be better at relationships with other people. She wants to be able to be in a relationship with someone else. Not with me. I can only thank the kush for keeping the vines from constructing around my chest.

'I don't have issues.'

Joe's eyebrows shoot up. 'Nikki. We've had sex all day and you haven't let me touch your penis once. Every time someone tries to talk to you, you avoid the question. You wouldn't even let us sing to you on your birthday and, according to Caleb, you never have—ever! You have issues receiving attention,' she states. 'You have to let people know you.'

'I've no problem with people knowing me,' I snap. 'Caleb knows literally everything about me—too much.'

'That doesn't count. You've been friends since you were four; he was there to experience it. You have to be able to tell people things.'

I make a vague noise that could be interpreted a million different ways. This conversation is right champion at sobering me up.

Joe is only emboldened by my cruelty. 'You can't be in a relationship if you can't open up. Most people will see that as a sign of emotional unavailability and leave which means your dating pool is only nitwits who want you as a... trophy... boy.'

'Only thing I'd be a trophy for is being a loser.'

'You're self-sabotaging.'

I turn my head to stare at the ceiling. The sun has started to set and the golden rectangle has progressively inched closer to the window during the time we've been on her floor.

'You say that with a lot of confidence for someone who's known me for three months.'

'I have a psychology degree,' Joe says, half joking.

'So... what, friends with benefits? That's your genius plan?'

'Yes. It's perfect!' The bounce in her voice dulls. 'Unless you don't want to. This can just be a one-time thing. Well... one weekend thing.'

Hey Google: How do I teach myself to stop consciously walking into bad decisions that I know will end up with my feelings hurt?

It should be enough, last night. I should know not to ask for more. So why do I want more? Why do I want to say yes, yes I'll have casual sex for an indefinite amount of time with her because I'll take any opportunity to be close to her, in any way she'll have me? Yes, I'll practice accepting attention with her if it means she looks at me like the sun just one more time?

Excitement is already taking root in my chest, finding the room to grow between bushy hope and rapidly growing affection. This could be different from the other times: we're friends and Joe's a good person so there are no worries of her seeing me as a sex toy or a bucket list item. She's bi, so she won't have a problem with that. She knows my mates and not only do she get along with them, but they're her mates too. And she knows about Cece so she hopefully won't take it personally that I have to answer the phone at inopportune times.

Just some fun between friends. Practice for the future... There's still a chance she'll kill me in a sex ritual.

'Forget I said anything–'

'No.' I turn my head to her. From my position on the floor, her head floats against the golden light on the ceiling. With her mini afro, round cheeks, and big eyes, she could be a cherub. 'I can do that.'

It takes a moment for it to dawn on her. The smile that spreads on Joe's face alone is worth whatever agony this will cause me down the line. I shove thoughts about it away. I'm high and I'm making a bad decision, that's what normal people my age do. Caleb would be proud. He is not going to kill me. 

Joe swivels so that her body is turned fully toward me. She watches me expectantly and when I watch back without doing owt, she waves her hands frantically for me to sit up. 'Are you going to lie down on our date? That's not a good first impression.'

I push myself up on my elbows. 'You wanna do this right now?'

'We've already done my thing—a lot of times. I'm returning the favour.'