NIKKI & JOE, CASUALLY |

55: moss

            Edwin, the frog Build-A-Bear I've just adopted, flops over in my lap when I stop at the intersection before Joe's street. He's dressed in black shorts and a red hoodie that says "hugs" across the front. Joe insisted he also get a pair of glasses to match mine but since he's a frog, there weren't any that actually aligned with his eyes. So no glasses.

I pick him back up just before the light turns amber. 'Thank you for this.'

'You've already thanked me six times today,' Joe says, laughter caressing her voice.

'Well, I mean it. I've sorta always wanted one of these.'

I stop in my usual spot with a leafless maple on one side and a graffitied electrical box on the other and finally turn to look at her properly. Joe is wearing a new necklace Eilidh gave her for Christmas, one with a north star pendant. The one from Tamsin is officially gone then... Her wash-and-go defines each curl of hair, false lashes accentuating her eyes. She's not got on any colourful makeup today, just the shimmer in the corners of her eyes that drives me mental.

'Are you sure you won't let me treat you to tea?'

She rolls her eyes. 'It's a gift, Nikki. You're not meant to pay me back for it.'

The string of hearts tickles my ribs. She knows me so well. I love that she knows me so well. Gifts that cost actual money are not a thing I'm used to; Caleb and I have always been generous with each other but we both grew up too poor to offer much beyond things crafted from scrap materials until we started working at NutriLents. 

'Can't fault a man for trying.'

She smiles, showing the new tooth gems she got while in London. Unlike the previous ones, these are symmetrical: a pink heart embedded on each incisor, the purple butterfly on her front teeth this time, and singular rhinestones centred on the bottom row in blue.

Her cheer is short-lived. The lines I've become so familiar with press between her brows and her focus shifts to the window behind me. 'Actually... I need to talk to you.'

'Alright. Yeah. Mint.'

Is she splitting up with me? Maybe her mum did find her a perfect fiancé over the holidays and the frog were a break-up gift? Unless she thought "tea" would've been an actual date and the thought is sickening to her. Should I specify I only meant it as friends? Did I only mean it as friends? How many practice dates can we go on until we're just dating?

'Please don't be cross with me for not telling you this before.'

I shake my head, worry having stitched my jaws together, and hope she understands that I could never be angry with her. Turning off the Kali Uchis song playing, my hands slide from the steering wheel to my lap where I find Edwin. I hold both his flippers.

Joe takes a deep breath, blinking back tears that preemptively glaze her eyes. 'I don't really know where to start... Guess I'll just– So, Tamsin and I met at uni. I had wanted to focus on studying so I wasn't actively looking for a relationship. But with her, it was just... I wanted to be with her constantly.

'We understood each other in a way I hadn't experienced before. I moved in after a month. We could barely stand to spend five minutes apart.'

The chain too delicate for the anxiety infusing through her, Joe stops fidgeting with her necklace. Instead, she wrings her seatbelt. 'It's hard for me to point at when things started getting bad.

'It was just small things first, like she'd comment if I was wearing too much makeup or that I was too talkative with shop assistants and it must be annoying when they're just trying to do their job. Pretty soon, she'd need me to name every person I spent more than a minute with if she wasn't there.