NIKKI & JOE, CASUALLY |

43: fumbling and falling. casually

            I clear my throat when we stop at another red light. 'So, we should talk about this, right? What is this that we're doing, exactly? If it's still happening. We should probably talk about boundaries and rules.'

Rules like maybe don't lie to her about my parents?

Joe's lips twitch into a smile on the passenger seat. 'I was going to say that but I didn't want you to think I was annoying.'

'Annoying? First of all, that's not annoying. Second, I'd love to be annoyed by you.'

She laughs. Or maybe she scoffs. 'Don't say things like that.'

'It's true. So...' There are ants in my knees. 'Are you having sex with other people? Of course, that's alright! Since this is casual. But we should talk about it.

'Like do we tell people–? I did already tell Caleb and he told everyone else. Yeah, I should've probably asked about that first but I'm used to telling him everything so I didn't even think about that until this literal second, so... Sorry. And do we use condoms? Cause I've had chlamydia once and I'd be well content never experiencing that again.'

'You've had chlamydia?'

How is that what she wants to focus on?

'In my defence,' I say, 'I were seventeen and my girlfriend had sex with another bloke who'd had sex with another bloke—there were a whole outbreak in the school. Caleb thought it were dead funny.'

Joe sits upright. 'Your girlfriend cheated on you?'

'No.' I try to laugh but it echoes in my chest. 'We weren't in a relationship. I thought we were in a relationship, but we'd never officially agreed on that so that's on me. Guess I shouldn't call her my girlfriend. It's not her fault; I do that all the time.'

The full weight of the confession falls on me only seconds later and I throw Joe an alarmed glance. 'I ain't gonna do that with you! Assume things. Don't panic.'

My reassurance does nowt to pacify the horror in her eyes. Okay, definitely never asking her out if that's the feeling she has about the idea.

'Nikki...' Joe chokes on the name, too bloated with sympathy to leave her throat smoothly. 'I'm sorry. You deserve better than that.'

'No, it's alright,' I say, smiling. Why doesn't she understand that? Why do I feel like crying? 'It's my fault; I were the one jumping to conclusions that we were in an exclusive relationship. That's a bit arrogant, ain't it? Like why would she have wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me?

'At least I'm fit now but I didn't look like this as a teenager. Looked like one of them inflatable blokes outside petrol stations that flip around in the wind.'

I was in love with Winnie. I loved her with everything in me and she still had to get it from other people cause it wasn't enough.

It would never be enough for Joe.

'Nikki...'

'What?'

I nail my stare to the road but even in the blur of periphery, Joe's face is twisted in what I can only interpret as pain. She reckons I'm pathetic, don't she? Well this conversation is going mint.

'Stop looking at me like that.'

'Nicolás–'

'And stop saying my name like that while you're at it.' She continues to watch me, her stare what I imagine an x-ray to feel like, until the emotions retreat. Before she can change her mind, I interrupt. 'So condoms, yes or no?'