NIKKI & JOE, CASUALLY |

73: hazard: heart climbing out of throat

            I feed Chelsea a carrot Cece brought along for the walk. Arthur, who inherited the farmland beside Oak Shaw, is a childhood friend of Bobbi's and apparently regularly helps out with both the dogs and the teens. He's happy to allow the company of his horses for therapy when Bobbi asks—under supervision, of course—and though Cece has thus far been too scared to even think about riding one, they've worked up enough courage to feed them treats from the other side of the fence.

Chelsea seems more than happy with this arrangement. She sniffs my hand, searching for more food. I barely find enough room in my nerves to be disgusted by the saliva soon dripping from my fingers.

The fourth ring beeps without response. Every muscle in my body is pulled taut and released with a curse from my tongue as the robotic voicemail answers.

I pull the phone from my ear and stare at Joe's contact, the photo she took of herself on the night we first met smiling at me. Hey Google: Do I ring again or will that come across as desperate?

Well, fuck it, I am desparate.

This time, I've barely returned the phone to my ear before the call is picked up. Though the raspy voice that sings "Joe's phone" is certainly not Joe's, not even if she were a chain-smoker with a thyroid disorder.

My heart sinks as I exchange glances with Chelsea who has finally accepted that I have no more carrots. The image of Joe curled up in bed with a recent date watching Merlin together gestates in my head. Maybe she is ready. Maybe London was overwhelming, first-time jitters, poor luck, and now–

'Hello?' the unfamiliar voice prompts. 'I know you're pretty, Nicolás, but I didn't think you'd be so pretty that you can't talk.'

'What?'

Joe's yell interrupts from the background. 'Hey! I told you to get my phone, not answer it!' A barrage of noise tumbles out of the speaker as they wrestle over it. Then Joe's voice: 'Hi. Sorry about that. She doesn't know how to act sometimes.'

I pet Chelsea as I try to rebuild my momentum but too much has happened since I dialled for me to just... blurt it out the way I had planned. 'Are you busy?' I ask instead.

'No, I'm just at home.'

Home. But not alone. Maybe I shouldn't do this. I should let her move on, right? Maybe a month is perfectly enough time for Joe to move on.

The raspy voice speaks again, though distant now and strumming with laughter. 'Tell him to do a video call. I want to see.'

'Shut up, Jaz.'

Just as I'm on the brink of despair, I leap back. Jaz. Excitement renews its buzz through my limbs so I don't even notice the odd pause in our conversation until she speaks again.

'I'm sorry. My sister came along from London and she's insufferable. I'm in the loo now with the tap running so she can't eavesdrop—like they always do in Vampire Diaries.' Joe chuckles at herself, possibly at an inside joke about her sister being a vampire. 'What were you saying? How's your brother? They must have been so happy to see you.'

My heart clenches at the same time that it tries to swell for joy. 'Cece's alright, I think. It's been lovely to see him again, see him here, you know. I couldn't really imagine it: Cece living in the country. But it suits them.'

'I'm glad. Try not to stress so much. Just enjoy your time with them.'

Tears sting in my eyes. There are so many emotions churning in my body that I barely manage to find my voice under it.

'Anyway...' I shift my weight, trying to stay warm as the wind picks up again. Chelsea's fur keeps my fingers comfortable; the same can't be said for my phone. 'Right, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it: I love you. Romantically. In a way that's not remotely casual.

'And I know we agreed to get over it and I know that I'm the one who ended things with you but it were stupid. It were so stupid of me to end things with you. That were the best thing I've ever had and it freaked me out. But I should've done the opposite: I should've told ya I had feelings for ya earlier, I should've told Cece so he wouldn't've felt so threatened by it.'

I clamp my tongue to the root of my mouth, allow my words to collide with my teeth and tangle before I take a deep breath and iron them out again. 'I'm sorry for doing this over the phone but I have to tell you now or I probably won't do it at all. I know you ain't ready for a relationship. I'm not tryna pressure ya, I'm not gonna harass you about it. I just... I wanted to tell you.'

Even my heart stills with anticipation. The only sign of Joe on the other end is her breathing and I've just made peace with the possibility of her hanging up without a goodbye when her voice, a squeal I've rarely heard from her, comes through.

'Oh... I'm... I think I'd be ready for a relationship with you.'

'You what?'

Cece calls for me. Panic is instant but I look up to see them excitedly bounce towards me with their hands cupped. Joe is halfway into a sentence that I've not processed a word of when I tell her to wait a second and pull the phone from my ear. 'Yeah?'

'Look.' Cece stops in front of me and peels open his hands.

A vibrant beetle rests in his palm, electric green like summat right out of his drawings. It crawls slowly along their heartline and they turn their hand over as it rounds to their knuckles. We're both enchanted, complimenting its colour until it spreads its wings and flies off.

Then Cece clocks the phone in my hand and steps back awkwardly. 'Right, sorry. Just wanted to show ya. But, er, continue.' They bolt back over the small path to the grass where Esther is still cantering.

'I'm here,' I say into the phone.

Joe picks up where we left off, her voice without even a tinge of irritation at the interruption. 'We were already practically in a relationship and I was never stressed by it. I don't think I've ever stressed less about a person. I'd be ready for a relationship if it was with you.' The smile is audible in her voice and my insides tickle. 'Will you go out with me when you're back?'

The flutters turn into a summer gust, the kind that sieves through trees and flowers and makes them all ripple. I have to loop my free arm over my stomach to ease it. Bubbles of laughter rise in my throat.

'You want to go on a date—a proper date?'

'With you, yes.'

I have to wedge a knee against one of the fence posts to keep upright. 'What happened to it being the wrong time?'

'I want it to be the right time,' Joe says, sincere despite my teasing. 'I'll make it the right time. So, will you? Go out with me?'

'Of course, I will.' My brain is buzzing too much to wrap itself around the new development. My cheeks ache from my smile. 'And you're being serious? Like it's not a joke?'

'I'm not joking.' A strum of worry reverberates through Joe's voice for the first time. 'Are you joking?'

'Fuck no.'

Joe laughs and I nearly faint. 'You'll be back later this week, right? I'll plan something.'