August

18. Augustine

I can see us twisted in bedsheets...

Journal, August 20

After an amazing time at the Sandspit amusement park, I stayed with James for the night. My mom and Leah think James and I are very cute, so they had no problem with us spending the night together. Leah set up a mattress for me in James's room, which remained untouched.

After my mom took Aurora home, Leah, Miles, James, and I watched a movie before bed. I borrowed pjs and a hoodie from James again. I had to stop myself from smelling his hoodie, but honestly, it smelled so good. I couldn't help myself.

Anyway, after the movie, James and I got ready for bed. Miles left us alone after making some sex jokes about the two of us. He seemed to be back to his normal self. It was so weird that I thought he liked me. He was definitely sending signals, but it was good to know he was just feeling off that night. I believed him. There's no reason he'd be into me.

So, once we brushed our teeth and everything, James and I got into his bed and he wrapped his arms around me. I lay on his chest for a while, loving the feeling of being close to him. I knew he wanted to go further, and I did too, but I didn't mind if it took a while to get there. James kissed the top of my head, and I placed my chin on his chest, looking up at him.

Before I knew it, we lay next to each other underneath the blankets. I didn't expect things to move so fast, but James was gentle and sweet, and I never once felt uncomfortable. I didn't even hesitate when he asked, "Are you sure?" For once in my life, I wanted to let myself make a decision without thinking it over a hundred times.

I will say, it hurt. More than I thought it would. But James was so sweet, always making sure I was okay, and kissing my cheek softly whenever I winced in pain. For once, I didn't worry about the future, or if he would ditch me the next day. I lived in the now, enjoying every moment I had with him. I had never felt that close to someone before.

He held me after, kissing my forehead and softly scratching my back. His skin was warm against me, and I never wanted to leave. I fell asleep so easily, drifting away to the sound of his soft breathing and arms around me. I loved being with him.

Maybe I love him.

Oh my god. Do I LOVE him?!

Dammit, that wasn't supposed to happen. Honestly, what did I expect? How do you get that intimate with someone and NOT fall for them?

Right now, I'm sitting on my bed writing this. It's nighttime, and I'm mentally smacking myself in the face for falling for James. I'm stupid, I really am.

But am I?

I slept with James a week ago. Since then, we've hung out everyday. A few days ago, Mom and Leah took us to a restaurant for dinner. Gracie met us there, and we all laughed and talked the whole time. Gracie gave me her number, and we've become good friends in the past week. Three months ago, I refused to talk to anyone, shutting myself in my room while my parents worked. I hated school and refused to do an extracurricular activity. I shut down after Inez ditched me.

But here I am now, with friends around me, and a mom who has put in an immense amount of effort to spend time with her daughters in the past week. James brought me out of my shell, and I've been so happy for the better part of August. I want to stay with James forever, I really do. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but he's truly the best person I've ever met. If I can become a happier stronger, and better person in a few weeks, what could happen in a few months?

I know, I'm fantasizing again. James and I haven't even spoken about what happens when August is over. We're leaving in eleven days, and I have no idea what happens next. I'm trying to live in the now, but I'm scared. I don't want to leave James.

Maybe we can find a way to stay together.