Mimi's Demons

Chapter 112: Before...

 He gestured to the screen, which loaded up colors much more slowly than when it had scraping out his life.

There was something different about these images. They were almost indistinct, but he could make out countless others like himself, dressed in white and mingling with one another. The excitement in the air was palpable, especially around him.

He, who looked utterly unblemished, pure, almost like a child if he didn't have the height and width of his grown self.

"In the beginning, the world was," said the interviewer, "You were one of the many who rejoiced at hearing God's plan to go down to Earth to gain a body and experience the test and opportunity which was life. You, most of all, desired to become like your Father, but not for the power of universes. You wanted the key thing which gave God joy."

Even as the interviewer spoke, Duke saw himself looking aside at younger spirits and those around him differently than others. There was a delight in his eyes when he happen to see an especially young child nestled in ones arms, or a pair of beings being especially close.

"You wanted a family."

Memories Duke had never had slowly resurfaced. Even as he watched himself, those feelings he'd felt at the time filled him. Longing, excitement, hope, delight.

He'd been looking at the women about him wondering if they'd be the one to be his eternal companion, or perhaps his sister or daughter. He'd looked at the men wondering if they could be his future brother or son. He'd had many dreams in his mind envisioning himself with children playing about him as he'd seen God the Father with, even as God himself laughed with delight. He'd seen that brilliant joy in God's face and wanted.

Even as he watched as other spirits, as he soon realized that's what they were, begin to separate themselves, those into the camp that didn't want to be left to choose amidst suffering and evil and those who wanted the chance and trusted their Father and His Savior, Duke-no, David, had paid them no heed. He'd been too excited at the chance of family to really care what he'd have to pay in order to obtain them. He was filled with the image of God's joy that was worth any price. He was too blinded by imagining a wife and children, parents and siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins.

He watched even as he was called in to be told the kind of life he'd have and learn of the missions he'd be given.

Even when the veil came down to give him a clean slate, with no memory of God's terrible presence to influence his choice, the desire remained deep in his bones. It remained when toddler him wiped his mother's tears. It remained as he fought to protect her.

It trembled when he left.

"That's why you were so sick," said the interviewer as they both watched the young him throw up in an alley and fall into a panic attack that would last three days. "That's why you desperately bowed your head to anyone who showed you care. And it's why you recognized so readily what a blessing little Mimi is. Not anyone would be able to comprehend or find as much joy from a child as you did so readily. I know you are plenty aware of what you have done to the worth of your soul, but your core is still true."

"It doesn't change anything," Duke croaked. "I'm still dead. I still did it all. I still need to pay the price for it."

The interviewer paused, giving Duke plenty of time to say whatever he wanted, but there wasn't anything else to say. With the revealed memories of his previous life he fully understood how justice worked and why he couldn't escape. It shadowed any chance for hope. He'd murdered, he'd plundered, he'd destroyed lives with drugs and violence, took advantage of the poor, the weak, even the children which he'd haughtily thought he was keeping safe. His efforts to keep them free of trafficking or abuse went unheeded. He had had no real power. Just something superfluous and temporary as money, which meant nothing now that he was in this chair, facing the rest of his eternity.

"David," said the interviewer, softly, gently, "What ever made you think that you were stuck as head of the Seven Rings?"

Duke snorted. "If I left someone worse would take my place, and I had to repay father somehow for taking trash like me off the street. He'd had no real reason to. And...and it was all I knew. All I was good at." He knew more than felt that his face had already become covered in layer upon layer of tears. "I have no skills or traits to make me a good husband. I'd only be suffering to any woman I finally tried to trust. Even with me trying as hard as I could I hurt Mimi more than helped her."

"Mimi would disagree," said the interviewer.

"Mimi is eleven. She doesn't know the effects a parent has on their children. Just look at me, because of my mother and Cosack what I knew of morals or leading a happy life were left to Hollywood, and we all know what you see on TV isn't real."

"Exactly."

Duke paused, not having expected the interviewer to agree with him, let alone start smiling.

"You can't be held wholly accountable for all your wrong choices," said the man. "A good degree of the fault will fall on the heads of your parents. This life isn't what you wanted, but you still drew close to what little light you found. You still rescued Mimi."

"That's just one soul—"

"This isn't about everyone else," said the man, cutting him off for the first time. "This is your life. This is about you and what you want. That's why this world and the plan were created. It was to give you and every other soul a chance to find for themselves what it is they truly want, whether that be death or life, destruction or creation, pain or joy."

"It can't be that simple. No one wants to suffer."

"No one also wants to be told what to do or what will make them happy. Wrong choices are the risk of allowing agency. Agency is power, and one cannot become a god without fully understanding said power. God, after all, has the ultimate will. He can choose and His very surroundings will change to his will."

"...Why are you telling me all this? It still doesn't change that I screwed up. I've done the test, and the test says I want to be a doormat."

"Because I'm going to give you another chance."

_________________________________________________

No. I'm not just a positive person. There's a reason I have such a bad anxiety disorder. I'm very good at shoving my fear and anxiety aside and being brave. It's so easy for me to be brave because I've had to be most my life. But my body could only put up with so much of it. Now it takes over and gets scared for me, swallowing me whole till I can't fathom having a life worth living. Just empty spaces waiting for the next episode of screaming. 

I'm very, very good at being brave. Even fearless. 

Until my body doesn't let me. 

Now, after breaking it down by finding safe places and having kids, I have to be careful with it...and learn how to not be brave. But how do you function afraid? Guess I'm starting from scratch.