Dance Of A Parasite

8

my blood is spilling. oozing. thrilling pain. choosing insane. 

screams are filling. drilling holes. 

more. do i want more? 

in and out. spin and shout. sin for clout. 

suffocate in the cage, drowning in your blood. thrive with your mouth closed shut. 

i dont want to. i cant do it. ive been thinking about it. 

going in and out. Twelve in total. living is fatal. 

they cant see it. they will see what I see fit. 

my smile isnt a show. my mask isnt for Crow. my screams are no longer heard with each blow. 

im going crazy. my mind is hazy. i wish they would tase me. 

if im out like a light, with my mouth no longer trying to fight, i can hug my parasite and cry myself to sleep as my eyes scream to weep. 

for if they hear my pain, i worry theyre pushing my sane. trying to get me to hit them back. but i wont. 

they like my face. my body. my voice. my eyes. my smile. my hands. my lips. they dont like my mind. my heart. my thoughts. me. 

it is not me who they like. 

it is the epitome of beauty they chase that they keep down with a spike. 

and then when i am no longer beautiful

when i am no longer what they want

it is in my heart where they choose to haunt.

my nightmares and fears they choose to taunt. 

when i drag my self across

as they decide to play boss

it is only them who cares to go on

it is them who wish to continue

to flourish this into a dragging routine

to turn this into a bully-victim relationship

to watch me trip

but when i catch myself falling

and throw myself, bawling

it seems they dont want me anymore

as they leave me crying on the floor

drowning by the shore

lost in the store

when i sew my mouth shut

what will they have to say?

"take them out"

"youre ugly boy now"

when i sew my mouth shut

they will be quiet too

i will be ugly

i will be what i want

ignored

but then i wonder

if i truly deserve the relief of loneliness

or the torture

when the sea swallows me whole

and i burn like coal

i will have nothing to live for

because what am i

other than a bloody whore

a weakening fly

a caged rat

an enraged bat

this rat deserves his cage

he deserves his rage

he deserves his sadness to be for display

because if that means others are okay

he is okay too

and when he sews his mouth shut

they can do nothing but

tear me apart

dig into my throat

searching for a voice

for my last choice

but i have let go of my vanity

of my dignity

they, who have taken advantage of me, 

do not deserve my voice

they, who grab my legs and try to fulfill me with a bottle,

do not deserve my choice

Because when they see me

with my mouth freed of screams

they will not want to call me pretty boy anymore

and i will no longer be a whore

or a bore

they who scare

pass on my heart willing to share

then i think about what is fair

and realize that my life was never mine

it was anyone's but mine

as i lay on the grass

watching my heart get passed

i touch the thread on my lips

and the bruises on my hips

and feel the horror in my chest

as i try my best

to forgive myself

and my heart

as they tried their best

to rid the horror in my chest

and when i lay

with my heartbeat pounding in my ears

i see the demons that are my fears

looming over me

just for me to see

rust spreads across my insides

and i know now

that i do not need a voice

to scream in agony 

when they take advantage of me again.