Dance Of A Parasite

6

Thursday

Am I crazy?

Each time I look in the mirror, what am I meant to see? My mother used to call me beautiful. When she stopped, I'd look at my twisted reflection and see a distorted perception of myself--a destroyed raven with the feathers ripped out. Looking back, I didn't understand what she meant by 'beautiful'. I didn't look special or nice. It seems she is unfamiliar with true beauty. Even so, her lie lingered in my mind for a bit too long, to where the realization of how revolting I looked hurt more than it should've.

Owl calls me pretty boy. He says he likes my face. When I think about it, I think he's lying. Gag in the mind, smile for the blind.

No matter how sincere people may be perceived, lies always manage to seep through to conceal the cruel truth. A smile can mask a lot more than people think.

When I think about how Scorpion talks about me, I feel awful about myself. Disgusted. Sickened. I don't understand what he sees in me that is so stunning he feels the need to comment on it every time we are in the same room.

Thinking about how he calls me crude things makes me wish I was blue with hair covering my face. I hate how he makes me feel about myself. I hate how Owl makes me feel proud but disgusted. I hate how my mother makes me feel like everyone's lying to me.

If people are truly saints, why must they take our hearts and crush them until we can't handle it anymore?

No one is a saint. No one is, was, or will be. It's impossible. All of us are horrible in one way or another. It's how things work. You can't overdo anything. You can't say nice things without it being presented as backhanded. You can't do nice things without people thinking there's a motive. For some reason, we always find a way to ruin things.

Maybe that's the reason I feel so horrible all the time. I've inflicted this on myself. It isn't them. It's me.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Friday

In two weeks, it's going to be spring break. I'm going to have to wait two weeks to escape. Except I don't know where to go. My parents don't want me, my relatives are too far, I don't have friends or a home. I guess there's nothing necessarily wrong with staying in the dorms, especially since they aren't going to be there. The thing was, however, I don't want to stay here because of how suffocating the air feels. I'm breathing but it seems I'm choking at the same time.

Bear has officially moved out. It hasn't been long since he arrived but I guess that's what living with Rhino will do to you. I like to think about how he's doing at his sister's place.

At school, he doesn't really talk to me anymore. He's staying away, which doesn't surprise me nonetheless but that doesn't mean it can't hurt, and I believe it's because one of them told him to.

In a fleeting moment, the Bear has retreated to his sanctuary in the forest, where he lies comfortable and in a soothing silence. In a fleeting moment, the Raven has been abandoned on the sidelines, left hugging himself in an alley to keep warm in a cold world. In a fleeting moment, all had changed. And in a fleeting moment, all was the same.

The faces of the audience watching as you struggle for your life are bleak. They are shielded by the protection of their own pride, encompassed with the warm sensation of unknowingness. What they are is clueless. On the brightest day, they shut the curtains. On the darkest day, they leave it as is.

It seems that, in a world where you must be either weak or strong, you never truly understand what you did wrong.

Bear is sitting by a bench far away during lunch. He sits with a girl by his side. They are sharing headphones and studying together. I am sitting many feet away, still with my skin melting under the light rays.