Late Night Snack

Aishiteru

You asked me why my hands are always tense. I looked away from your watchful eyes.

With my hands, I searched for your lips and caress it with my fingertips while still avoiding your gaze.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that tears will come running if I met with your eyes full of sympathy.

Feeling your warm breath; unleashing it's sorrow because of the distance of our hearts.

It may be cliche to hear but I will still tell you that what happened tonight is not your fault. I am the one to blame.

That is why I am pulling back myself from your touch. 

If I keep seeing you, if I keep you to myself, you are going to lose all your sparks.

I will take them away from you.

I am selfish. I will be always selfish.

Your passion.

Your enthusiasm to experience all things.

I will just take them away from you because I am greedy.

And that is why, before it happens, I will pull away myself from you.

I am self-centered.

Inconsiderate.

Thoughtless.

Wrapped in oneself.

That's why before I fall hard for you, I will retrieve myself. Because if I don't, I will sink in bottom less pit.

My feet will be tied down. I will never be able to let you go.

I will never be able to hold myself  back and beg you to stay, even though I am the one who is leaving.

That is why I am pulling back from your warm embrace; doing so is like my spirit will abandon my body.

So, before I take all things away from you, I will leave.

I do not want you to understand me.

I do not want to take any more of you.

Hence, I want you to hate me.

Hate me until my name no longer holds power over you.

Until hearing my name makes you vomit of madness.

I want you to hate me until you forget my existence.

I do not want you to understand me.

Curse my name under your breath and step on my heart until it crashes and become dust.

Hate me until the wind takes away the sound of my voice.

I will beg to all the gods that exist in this life to help you forget that I was once beside you. That I was once inhaling the same sweet perfume that you used to adore.

As holding someone so pure like you is like a sin that must not be taken lightly.

The impurities I hold in my hands are like scars that cannot be washed away. It is imprinted in me; it means that embracing someone like me is like being casted from heaven.

I tainted you in black and white.

I inflicted you with my loneliness.

The smell of your body that is lingering in my memory; the way you talk, the way you breathe, the way you connect with yourself, the way your eyes shine with joy, the way you gaze at me; those loving eyes that are so pure.

Your eyes that once shed tears because of me. I will never forgive myself for bringing havoc into your life.

I can never forgive myself.

Your eyes that are filled with sadness while seeing me walk away.

I will never forget the sight of it.

So, do not be afraid to take one step forward.

Keep walking forward with your head up high.

Keep your warmth and smile to yourself.

Do not worry about leaving my footprints behind.

Keep reaching what you desire.

Keep going forward.

Shine brighter than anyone else.

Do not ever be discouraged.

Outshine yourself from the past.

I will never hold you back from being happy anymore.

Even though I am no longer beside you, I will forever remain grateful for the warmth you have brought into my life.

This is what I have chosen.

Therefore, do not ever falter.
Hate me. Loathe me.

Eventually, you will be able to see someone along the way who will be deserving of your love. Who will be worthy of your affection. Who will never leave your side. Someone who are willing to give the love you deserve.

Because you are the purest. You deserve all the world has to offer. Someone who will never be afraid of sinking into nothingness. Someone who will be able to swim into its depths.

Do not forgive me.

Do not apologize for me.

Do not empathize with me.

Even though that I love you with all my heart; I cannot stay with you.

Please do not ever forgive me.

I am deeply inlove with you.

I do not have any amount of courage to stand by your side. I will not apologize for anything; as long as I live; my sins will be taken to hell with me.

Leaving you is the only way I can do to help you save yourself from me.

You are to despise me.

My words that are never matched with my actions; you are to detest it.

My feelings that are never spoken.

Your touch that caresses my soul was beyond perfection. Yet, I will still leave you.

Whatever pain that lingers must be taken away from you. That is why I am leaving you.

Your mouth that never knows bitterness must be cherished by all means. That is why I am leaving you.

My veins that are filled with grief and longing for your touches are going insane.

While knowing these two bodies would never become one; I would embrace them with all my might.

I will make sure that with just your presence, I will make the heavens bow down to you.

Your eyes that are like fountain of loneliness; I will do everything in my strenght to give them colors. That is why I will leave you.

I may not loving you correctly like you what you deserve; I will still ask the skies above to protect your smile that makes this world a better place.

One day will come and you will understand the meaning of our parting. And so, while that day is still far ahead; despise my whole being until your path becomes clear.

In consequence, I do not want you to understand me.

And, when the day comes that our path would divides, if I have memories of you, I will be alright.

After all, those unspoken words that I have written under my skin; they are still screaming to be with you.

2018
(Solomon)