Late Night Snack

First Love

Before I've come to known what love was, you left the world. You left without a word what love is supposed to be and what love is supposed to feel. You left with many questions that only you hold the answers to. You left without knowing the resentment I have only for you. 

You left the world without telling me what respect should be. And so, I let others take advantage of me. I let them take all what I have from me.  I let them do what they want with my being, because you never feed me the answers to my worries. You only let me question everything. So, before I have the chance to ask you, you left without a single trace of coming back. 

The dust of sins that you committed; you never took them with you. 

And after you were gone, my wars within myself began. 

You were the one who was supposed to tell me the things that I have no knowledge of. You were the one who was supposed to teach me what love was. What it feels and how it should be.  

You were the one. 

You should be the first one to make me feel what love is. 

You should be the first one to say those three words to me. 

You should be the first one to stay beside me and the first one to encourage me.

You should be the first one comforting me.

You should be the first one to hug me.

You should be the first one to get mad for my sake when others hurt me.

Because after all, you are my father. 

When I am sad or not doing well, you should be the first one to know and should be the first one to tell me it will be okay. That I do not need to make my words sound beautiful. That I do not need to make fancy sentences because whatever comes out in my mouth, you will understand. 

You should be the one to do that for me.

Because after all, you are my father.

But, before I even began to learn to forgive you, you left the world only to leave all the sorrow that only I can accept. 

I came to conclusion that even if I have unbearable madness for you, it will never reach you. My words and feelings will never reach you. It will never have the chance to reach you because you are long gone now. But then again, before you even began to leave the world, you are already far from where I stand. You were so far from where you should be.

In spite of the grief that I feel inside, I could never put myself in your shoes. I could never understand you or will ever try to. I could never forgive you for what you did. But, I want you to know that I will never forgive myself for hating you.

I will forever grieve.

I will forever miss you.

After all, you are my father.

But I could never forgive you.

The wound you caused deep within my soul, it can never be fixed. I will forever hold a grudge against you but then, I will never ask you to understand where I am coming from. Beyond everything; you never felt my pain.

When you chose to wander aimlessly, doing despicable acts; you have woken up my wrath.

You are my first heartbreak.
You are the first one who crushed my heart, my soul and everything that flows inside me.
You are the first one who made me question my sanity and the first one who looked down on me.
You pulverized my whole existence.