Late Night Snack

Heaven

I always get lost in thoughts and I wonder if only I am just as pure as water, clear as sky, will I have a passion to live?

Will I be able to appreciate all the things infront of me?

Like how the trees dances with the wind. Will I able to let myself to become one with its steps?

Like how blue the ocean and how clear the clouds, will I be able to become one with them?

The sun that sets and become one with the sea, will I be able to stand on it's waves?

The flowers that gives different types of shade, will I be able to hold it? If my hands so filthy and filled with soil, will I be able to present it's beauty? Will it's colors give more meaning to my life? And if they die as soon as I hold them, will they let me keep their roots?

These rotten hopes that will never see the light of day, will they be able to survive in the darkness? Will they sprout and die again? Or will they shine through? If this is what they call living, will I be able to survive even my insides are decaying?

My nails that are scarring, will it become one with my fingertips?   

If I paint my nails with red, will it stand out in the dark? Will I be able to be visible in others eyes? Will they be able to see how my body is shattered in different places?

I am lost and I always wonder if being alive is really the right thing to do.

The birds that fly around, will I be able to be spread my wings and be free like them?

Will I be able to see other places aside from where I am?

If I accept that living is like sleeping with your eyes open, will I be happy when it's closed?

Being able to witness everything with these pair of naked eyes, will I be able to accept them? And if ever I put those blindfolds, will I still feel the emptiness that lingers in me?

And if there are hands pure as heaven, will they set me free from all my fears? Are those hands will hold pieces of my heart? Are they willing to embrace what's embedded in my body?

If there are places that are full of lights that every footprints I leave behind will be visible to someone else, will they follow each one of them? Are they willing to take the same path as me?

If the sky cries every night, are they willing to shower this wretched body of mine? Are they willing to wash all my pain away? Will it's cries can hide my own tears and let it sink into the quicksand? Will it's cries will remove this lipstick stain I wore when I hide my trembling lips?

The sound of rain falling on the roof; can the sound of it surpass these scream that can bring storm to others?

The sound of my voice that can break others soul; will it be washed away by the rain? And if my words brings harm upon someone's heart, can the God's above will have mercy?

Please tell me they can.

As I walk every night without a direction, without a mask of doubt, without a peace of mind, I wonder where will my feet take me.

Will they take me to somewhere where I can stop trying to be myself?

Somewhere, I can be someone else?

Someone —that I am not familiar with.

Someone —that isn't afraid.

Someone —that is loved.

Someone —that can love.

Will my feet let me go to a place like that?

If only I can just keep on walking.

If only I can.

Will these uncertainties can make me feel good? If not, then can somebody else have a way to make this feeling of guilt taken away from me? For these burning passion that I have deeply carved into my soul are now showing.

They are dancing in my stomach; that it makes me feel sick. They are sending shivers down my spine —and the cold that it makes— is crawling to meet my throat.

These overwhelming waves of thoughts that are hard to swallow. This head that knows nothing about resting.
This mouth that only knows about how to breathe.

And these arms that knows nothing about warmth are trying to reach the heavens.

And If I can't become one with it,

If I can't,

I hope these wounds will stop from bleeding altogether.

2024
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