the heartbreak.

chapter seven

song- Cornelia street, Taylor Swift.

Madeyln-

I don't want to leave my bed. I feel drained. I feel like I've cried every tear I could. My daughter is dead. Dead. She's gone. Forever. I'll never see her again. My eyes are red and swollen. I just want to stay still. Maybe if I shut my eyes hard enough I'll wake up. It will all be a bad dream. A nightmare. I swallow. I have to get up. I just have too. I tear up again, If that's even possible. I wrap a blanket around me. Holy balls, It's freezing. I think. I take a deep breath. Everything is gonna be okay. Today is autumns funeral. I planned it at a beautiful park she loved to go to. Cornelia street park. She loved it so much because it reminded her of Taylor swifts song Cornelia street. She would beg me too go all the time. I couldn't say no to her, obviously. I always took her. There's cherry blossoms every year and a beautiful lake. It's what I would imagine summer to look like. I wipe my tears. I know she's happy. She never got to meet her father. For a good reason. If Ryan ever, I mean ever, put a hand on her... I would murder him myself. He didn't. He never met her. I splash my face with water. She would want you happy! A voice tells me. Their right. All autumn would want is for her friends and family to be happy. I knew my daughter. Knew. Past tense. A familiar pain hits me right in the chest. Fuck. This is gonna be a lot harder then I thought.

I put on a black dress. The black dress autumn picked out for me. For my 'work party.' I just wanted to get her out of the house and stop studying. She picked out a gorgeous dress. I can still remember how it looked. It was a sparkly dark green dress and it was flowy. She never got the chance to wear it. I take a deep breath. The dress I was wearing was a plain black dress. It was long sleeved and went to about my lower thigh. It had very little cleavage. I look at myself in the mirror and crook my head. My hair was in waves and I had a very little bit of mascara on. "Why did you have to go baby?" I ask autumn. Fuck I'm going crazy. I'm talking to my dead daughter. I shake my head and walk out of the bathroom. I'm going to be alright. I'm sure of it. My heels click against the tiles. If it's all in my head tell me now. Taylor swifts lyrics pop into my head. Tell me I've got it wrong somehow.

I park the car and look around. Nobody. Im the first one here. Well, I am an hour early. I look around. Even the trees look sad. Is that a thing? Can trees look sad? I don't know. I step out of the car. Cornelia street looks glum. I don't want to be here either. I thought. A black Range Rover parks next to my car. Russ. He steps out of the car looking fancy as ever. I run to him. I. Run. To. Him. His eyes are full of sorrow, despair. I hug him as tight as I can. "You came." I whisper. He rubs circles along my back.

"Of course i did."
"Thank you." I whisper.
He nods. "Of course darling."

Everyone eventually arrived. Everyone gave me a pity hug. Except for Russ and Jules. And Christan I think his name was? He's Russ's best friend. I don't know. They all gave me a long and thoughtful hug. I sat down next to Russ and Jules in the front row. There was only 30-40 people here but it felt like millions. Millions. I have a speech. My eyes begin to water. I'm not okay. SHES DEAD! DEAD! "Madelyn?" He speaks. I stand up and grab my paper. My hands shake. Uncontrollably. "A-autumn w-was a vi-" I start. I can't do it. I can't read this paper. I can't read at her funeral. I'm so sorry autumn. Russ looks at me and gives me a smile. A smile ive never seen before. Never. He gave me reassurance. I shake my head. He nods and stands up. I begin to cry. I'm crying in front of all these people. Russ gently takes the paper from my hand. I lean against him my tears falling onto his chest. Is he going to read my paper? "Autumn was a vibrant kid." His dark voice starts. "She loved books, studying and learning. Three things I hate. She didn't like to shop or even gossip." He slightly chuckles. A small laugh rumbles through the guests. "But, she'd do it to make me happy. She would shop and talk with me for hours. Even if she just wanted to go home and jump into a book. One of my favorite things about autumn was her personality. She would do anything to make you happy. Anything. I miss her dearly. I miss her like ive never missed anyone before. I'm so sorry autumn. I love you so much. -madeyln." He finishes. A quiet clap goes through the people and I sit down next to Russ. "T-thank you Russ." He looks over to me. Tears in his eyes. Not falling. But tears. "It's okay darling. It was amazing ." His hand wraps around mine and I think about how he doesn't like to speak in front of people. Let alone strangers, yet he just read a paper to 40 people. Russ did it for me. Me. He knew i couldn't read it. He just knew. I take his hand and capture the warmth. I know this won't last. Which Is why I want to savor it all.

The funeral is over. And now I have to put it in my rear view mirror. Russ and Christian left a little while ago. Russ wouldn't leave without me reassuring him I'll be fine to drive home. Jules left about 3 minutes ago and it was just me now. I walk down the sidewalk slowly. Everywhere I look I see her. Everywhere. I look around to see the big oak tree. That's where she sprained her ankle. I look at the sidewalk. That's where she would play the sidewalk rule. She would yell at me if I stepped on a line. I make sure not to step on a crack. I'll never walk Cornelia street again.

Bit of a short chapter but wtv!! Rest In Peace autumn. 💔