the heartbreak.

chapter five

Song, born to die, lana del ray.

Russ-

Fuck, theres a lot of things that can do a toll on a person. But seeing your daighter get hit by a car in front of your face? Fucking horrible. I ran out of the restaurant to see what her daughter was doing. I even saw her get hit. I cried. Sure i didnt bawl, but i fuckin cried. Its horrible. A horrible thing i never want to experience. The last scream ripped from her daughters throat and Madeyn dropped to her knees bawling. Her screams louder then ive ever heard. She howls with pain and crawls to her daughter. She begins to scream. Louder and louder. Fuck. I rush to her side. When people inside hear the screams they come running out. I hear about 5 people say their calling the police for help but i know she cant hear. I kneel next to her and wrap my arms around madeyln. Her screams dont stop. Their fucking heart wrenching. Her makeup is down her face. She grips onto my arms and falls down onto me. She screams even louder when i pick her up. Her cries dont stop as i rub her hair. She needs comfort. And i dont know what to do. She tries fighting off of me. The ambulance immediately shows up and after they get the girl in the back their already rushing off to the hospital. The person who hit autumn is bawling tears too. I place madelyn into the car and buckle her up. She wails. I walk to the other side and open the door. I hate seeing her like this. I wipe a tear from my face. Fuck. I start the car and book it to the hospital. The cries eventually stop and i look over and see she fell asleep. Okay. We all grieve differently ways. I speed as fast as i can without getting obviously seen by a cop.

The huge building comes into view and i park. Please pull through darling. I rush to the other door and quickly unbuckle her. She wakes up in alarm. "R-russ?" Shit. She forgot? "You grabbed m-me?" Oh. I nod. "Come on. Their waiting for you." She tears up again and beings to quietly sob. Shit. I let go of her hand but, she grabs it again. She needs a friend. I rush with her to the entrance and she immediately lets go of my hand and runs to the counter. "H-hi i need to know about my daughter." She whimpers. The nurse looks unfazed. "Alright. Whats her name?" She starts to sob again. I run up to her. "Autumn miller." I speak. She looks up at me and begins to sob again. Crying into my chest. Shit. A woman has never cried infront of me like this. She nods and then her face drops. "Miss..." Madelyn looks up but the look on the nurses face gives it away. She died. "She passed on impact." Oh god. Im gonna start crying. Madelyns face goes blank. She knew that she most likely passed but i can tell hearing it from the nurse hurt. "Thank you." I whisper to the nurse. She nods. Madelyn wails and her knees wobble and drop to the ground. "I-i kill-led her." She studders. Oh my god. "No you didnt darling." I say sturnly. I dont feel... good." She wails again. Thats my que to get her out of the lobby. People look at me sympatheticly.
I grab her hands and usher her out of the lobby. Theres a bench where she sits down. "I-i should have got hit." Oh jeez. "Madelyn. Its a fucking horrible thing that happened to her but you didnt cause it. And you definitely shouldnt have gotten hit." She nods slowly before she begins crying again. She falls onto my chest and bawls. I rub her head for a while. Her sobs slow down and she looks up at me. "Thank you. For everything." She hiccups. I nod. "Anything okay?" Her lips quiver. "I know you dont like me but, can you stay with me tonight?" She whispers. I shouldnt. I really shouldnt. But, she needs me. "Of course."

Madeyn-

The shame i feel walking back to russ's car is unreal. I miss her. So fucking much. Ill never get over it. But i need to man up. Just intill i get to my bed. Just intill i lay down. I sit in the passenger side while russ holds my hand. I know he doesnt want to be here. I know he doesnt want to be around me. But i need someone. Anyone. He squeezes my hand while his eyes remain on the road. His hand engulfs mine. I cant even seen mine. I tear up. Your okay. Its okay. Youll be fine. I tell myself. Shes in a better place. Shes happier then she'll ever be there instead of here. I dont think ill ever be okay. Never.

After i give russ my address we finally drive into the grey house. She'll never come home. She will never return home from school. She will never sleep in her own bed again. She will never join a sport. She will never see her father. She will never eat spaghetti again. No! No! Come home! Autumn be alive! Come back home! It wont happen. My eyes burn. Tears form in my eyes and my throat clogs up. Ill never see her again. A sob erupts from my throat as i step out of the car. I fall against his car. I did this. I made her walk out. I did it. My back hits the car and i sob. Why did i do it? Why did i lie? Another sob rips through me. She'll never get married because of you. She will never have kids. Because. Of. You. Russ ushers to my side. You did this you sick fucking bitch. A voice tells me. Russ is talking. I can barely see his lips moving but my mind is full of autumn. The sound she made when she got hit. I wail. The memory of her body. A sob Wracks through my body. The thought of her thinking i lied to her just to lie. I bawl. I did this. Me. Her mother. I killed her. I didnt even realize i was up in the air. Russ carries me to my door. My arms wrapped around his neck. My tears staining his suit. I wail again. Why are you sad? You killed her. Another voice tells me. You shouldve gottten hit. You shouldve died. Russ somehow unlocks my door and he places me on the couch. Autumn will never sit here again. She will never watch tv again or read another book. I look around and russ is upstairs somewhere. You could have saved her. You murdered her! A voice yells. Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! I tell them. I cant do it. Russ comes running down, his shoes clicking against the floor. Its okay mommy. Im happy now! Please enjoy life without me mom. I can practically hear her talk. Fuck im going insane. Im talking to myself and i can hear my dead daughter. Russ hands me a pile of clothes. "Go upstairs and change." I nod. I get off the couch. My hands shaking. No, my whole body shaking. I go into my room. Wipe it maddie. You can do this. You know damn well autumn would want you happy. Be happy. Calm down. Shes okay. I take a deep breath. Russ picked out a black long sleeve shirt and grey sweatpants. I wipe my tears away. Youve got this babe. I take another breath. Ive got this. Ive got this. I tell myself repeatedly. I change and walk down the stairs quietly. Russ's head swivels in my direction and his expression is... in awe? His lips part before he speaks, "The hospital said to come by tomorrow to sign papers." I nod. You got this maddie. "Are you... doing better?" No. Maybe. I think? "I think so. Thanks for staying by my side. I know you think im annoying but i reallt need someone." His eyes darken. "Your not gonna... right?" Oh god. He thinks im gonna kill my self. "No! No, of course not." He takes a breath in. "Good. Listen madelyn, im really sorry. Im sorry i agreed to do to it. Im sorry about it all okay? She didn't deserve that but, you also didn't deserve to think that yous shouldve got hit. Okay?" He says stern. "Okay." I mutter. He stands up. "Come here." He holds out his hands in a small movement. His shirt is stained with tears and i can see tears in his eyes. "None of this is fair okay? You gotta remember shes happy. Shes so fucking happy up there darling." I nod. Darling? No. Nope. Not going to fantasize about dating my damn enemy the night my daughter dies. Hes sure not acting like your enemy. He hugs me. His imbrace is powerfull enough for his whole body to cover me. How freaking tall is this guy? 6'4 atleast. He hugs me. Russ Hugo. Hugging. Im witnessing a fricken miracle. Hes hugging you because he feels bad. Shut up. Shut. Up. I hug him back. "You can leave, i know you dont wanna be here. Ill be fine." I smile weakly. His face straightens. Shit. "Are you sure?" No. Im not. "Yeah, go ahead you probably have better things to do then stay at my fricken house." His face doesnt even move. "Okay. Let me know if you need anything. Again, im sorry Madeyn." I smile. "Okay. Thank you." He stands up and walks out the door. The back of my eyes begin to burn. Tears fall along my cheeks. I begin to sob. Fucking drama queen. Maddie stop. Your embarrassing yourself. Youve already cried. A shiver wracks through me. I. Killed. Her.