Gold and Wine

Chapter 7:

Adonis' Point:

The flap of a butterfly wing can cause a hurricane on the other side of the world. That was what the butterfly effect is most often described as. I didn't really believe in it. I knew about cause and effect well enough, you sing a song and they come crashing into the rocks. I just - I didn't want this. When I first heard about it, I was skeptical. It wasn't unusual for lover's quarrels to go south. Were we even lovers?

Then I heard the crashing and the screaming, and I ran to be met by Paul and some other older priest at the door of the study. When we looked in, there he was. The old world featured a lot of symbolism of wrath and hatred, characterized by wide eyes, frenzied eyes and flashing teeth but he seemed to top them all in his state. He looked like a larvae*.

I didn't know what to do. I knew what I wanted to do but his words stuck with me and I knew he was worried about how this place and these people would react at the sight of a relationship between two men. I ran from him, frustrated honestly, but I knew now that it was his damnation. I knew that I had sealed his own fall, my little Icarus damned to Hades.

I couldn't sleep that night, I had walked back and forth between the door and the window of the guest room. The bed was disheveled, and all I could hear was the resounding cries that prophesied his descent. I wonder if it was the best move to place the spell over Paul and the others, to forget about me so I could speak to Adam on my own. I feel guilty about this entire mess, this labyrinth that I threw him in with no means of escape.

This and that bloody statue. I grabbed a cloth and covered her face. It was just a statue, but I could feel the eyes of Mary looking at me, condemning me for my actions. It wasn't my fault, his fear. They had taken the gift of the Gods, the ability to love another, and had stripped it of its purity and made it into a thing of limitation. Still, I could've understood or at least made space for understanding.

It didn't help, I could still feel her eyes on my back as she watched me from under the cloth. The gift to love another person was sullied by my inability to be patient with him. I slumped onto the bed, gripping at my hair. I missed him but I couldn't really think of a way to work back into his life but I don't think I could do so without causing more pain.

His eyes were burned onto the back of my mind. I couldn't think of anything to try and soothe my nerves and I don't think the monastery had any alcohol, maybe the communal wine. I didn't want to steal from a church. My head was thrumming, the pain just pulsing under the skin. I heard some movement outside and, when I looked out the door, I saw Paul slowly guiding Adam. I assume they were going back to the cell but there was something about him.

He looked distant, staring out beyond everything. My chest tightened at the sight, and I moved back into the bedroom pressing the door closed with my back. What did I do? What in all of Hades did I do?

He wasn't in the monastery. As I flew around, I couldn't hear anything about him, even risking myself as to fly near the office of the Father between masses. Still nothing, it was as though he had just disappeared. Eventually, I had given up and returned to my room. As I got through the window, I shifted. I let out a small groan as the feathers melted back into my body, pressing against my spine and ribs.

I wish it didn't hurt so much at times, especially with the injured wing. I sat down on the bed, bandaging my arm back up. It had gotten better, thankfully, but it still felt stiff at the worst of times and that made flying so much harder. 

The guilt only got worse as the day passed with little to no word on him except when I finally managed to get some word on his state from near the infirmary. Apparently, he was confined to his cell until recovery. Then there was the study which was sealed off. All I could do was hope, but I wanted so desperately to see him, to make it right. The statue was still judging me, I could almost hear her urging me to get up and go and try and make amends.

I couldn't face him, not after what I did. I couldn't sleep last night because of it and I had decided that I could either make it up to him, or run away back to the coast. If I did meet him, I'd have no guarantee that I wouldn't fuck up again. If I ran, I'd probably send him back into a state. Both of them would hurt him, and I would never want him to go through that again.

Eventually, I decided to stay. Once he got out of his cell, I'd keep an eye on him, even from a distance. I needed to make sure he was safe and, maybe when he was better, I'd make it up to him.

"Mr. Adonis?"

I turned to see Paul at the door, looking at me with concern. I hadn't been in the entire morning and now he walks in to see me slumped on the bed, staring off into the void. He must've feared that I had also fallen, like poor Icarus.

"Yes, how may I help?" I quickly swiped away at my nose and eyes, wiping off the tears that I had only noticed now. He nodded knowingly, coming to sit next to me on the bed.

"May I ask how you are feeling?"

"I feel fine," I lied, "How is Adam?"

"He is doing the best he can with what he has," he muttered in response. He folded his hands in his lap.

"I must say, I am deeply worried about him."

"Why don't you just pray?" I snapped, letting my emotions seep into my voice. He didn't seem to mind, looking at the covered Mary Statue.

"Sometimes, we are given tools on earth and expected to use them instead of prayer. Religion is only one way of understanding the world, I trust you know?"

"Unfortunately," I sighed, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees.

"On the bright side, we have been given a myriad of tools to try and help with our worldly existence. The Father may not appreciate them, but they are still there."

"Brother," I said tentatively, "I have a question?"

"Of course, how may I help you in turn?"

"I find that a good few of the church doesn't," I trailed off uncertainly, "support the existence of gay men, or others of that branch."

I looked at Paul, trying to gauge a response from the way his eyes shifted. He looked at me fondly ,before finally answering.

"The doctrine speaks one way, but the doctrine is changed and the Word can only be understood so much through its written form. The Lord gave us the ability to discern, and so discern between the dichotomies of the world, and the Order is needed."

"And what order is that, Paul?"

"The soul, if the soul loves another - then it is meant to be. That is the only basis for love, is if the love exists between two souls and I am profoundly sorry if any of the members made you feel otherwise."

I looked at him, his eyes furrowed with a mixture of softness and righteous anger but he turned to look at his feet.

"It is truly a sad state of affairs when we divide the Kingdom and its inheritance."

"It truly is," I said quietly, wishing that Adam was here to hear these words, "it truly is."

Paul nodded, patting my back with a silent affirmation of trust before he finally got up from the bed, moving to leave the bedroom. Before he left, he turned around and took the fabric from the statue of Mary.

"The Trinity sought fit to dwell in Her, so too does it dwell in all people regardless of who we say they are. That is the gift of the Resurrection," he said quietly, admiring the statue. With that, he left. Those words sunk in, all their implication resounding in my head. I know it might not be the best help, especially in this situation where I made him feel abandoned, but I wish that he could've heard it.

I looked at the statue, her eyes watching me in turn, and the silent realization that maybe there was hope amidst this. I stood up, having resolved myself to work through whatever may come. I promised then, in front of the statue and all that may watch, that I'd be there with him until the end of days.

A/N:

Larvae: A Restless Spirit, placated at the Roman Festival of Lemuralia.