More than one night

Chapter 18: Doubts

It’s been five weeks since I got the piercing and I-don’t-know-how-many weeks since I met Wanda and Natasha. By now, it feels almost natural to have them in my life. Sometimes more sometimes less, depending on how busy we all are.

It’s been also six weeks since I last had sex with any of them and I’m starting to feel it. Before the piercing we’ve had sex regularly, which heightened my sex drive. Now that we don’t have sex anymore, I am left wanting and impatient.
They are patient about it, telling me they rather want to play it safe and not risking my piercing getting infected. Which I get, but it doesn’t make sense all the way. We could have sex without the piercing ever being touched but they don’t seem to want to risk anything. That’s what I’m trying to tell myself. When I lay in bed at night, other thoughts occupy my mind though. Thoughts about if they don’t want to have sex with me anymore. If they don’t like the piercing and find it off-putting. And the scariest at all: if they don’t want to spend time with me anymore.

We’ve seen each other a few times in the past five weeks but not nearly as often as before that. Sure, work is busy and all but that doesn’t mean we can’t see each other anymore. A thought that came along with that, is if they just liked me there to have sex with me.

The thought hurts me and I try to convince myself it’s not true. We shared moments that didn’t involve sex at all, moments that meant a lot to me. But now I can’t help but wonder if that was just part of the whole thing. If you want someone to trust you, you can’t just have sex with them, there’s more to it than that. There are conversations, calm moments, intimate moments that have nothing to do with sex. A relationship needs to be built up and that’s what happened.

We just never really talked about it and now I’m starting to feel insecure about the whole thing.
I don’t regret it, not at all but it does hurt me a little to think there is nothing more to this than sex. They are married and have each other to fulfil all their needs. All the romantic stuff like going on dates, slow dancing to songs, kissing in the rain, experiencing unconditional love, they have each other for. They don’t need me for that.

Technically, they don’t need me for sex either but I could tell it turned them on when I was having sex with them. I don’t want to think they just used me because they are too kind for that, but I do think they don’t need me in their relationship. They had a working marriage and have been happily together for ten years before I came into the mix, they can be perfectly happy without me. I will just be the odd one out as they have each other to rely on and to be there for romantic stuff.

Thinking like that hurts but this kind of insecurity has been brewing inside me for almost five weeks now and I don’t know what to do about it. Confronting them about it feels wrong. They have every right to be all lovey dovey with each other and I can’t expect them to treat me as if I was a part of their marriage because I’m not. We never declared what we are or what we will be. We just lived in the moment.

I can’t blame them for getting me involved, I agreed to it myself and making them feel bad about it now wouldn’t be fair towards them. They have been very open about this whole thing and never made me feel like I was just there to spice up their sex life. I’m responsible for my own feelings and I don’t know how to handle them.

I also know, I can’t go there and expect from them to make me a part of their relationship. That’s not how it works. They are married and a team for so long now. I can’t decide to join them, they have to ask me. I’d say yes in an instant if they asked me but they haven’t and I doubt they will. Not with how things are at the moment. Five weeks ago, I would have been sure, it could happen. Now I’m not.
But I don’t want to sit around and mope, I want to go out and have fun and forget about my worries, even if it’s just for a night.